| Chapter 01
Upon waking eyes
This morning, I, Charles Pendelton awoke to capture the dawn in all its glory as it emanated from a dark
horizon to lighten my window ledge. Another week indeed would come to its fruition, where once again,
we were on the heels of Friday. Mother was attending to her daily routine, oblivious to the mellow chirping
of birds that had now begun to infiltrate our ears. The gentle sound carried over rooftops to filter in through
windows left half-opened. A warm breeze wafted in, accompanied by a lilting song, letting us know that it
was going to be a hot one. In the twilight of sunrise on the inception of this day, her methodical task was
nearly complete. Mother soon climbed back into the comfort of her awaiting bed, as she arose solely to
relieve herself. Until that alarm clock went off, however, nothing else mattered. As I continued to survey
the deep orange glow pervading the trees, the soft light could be seen ever-expanding through the universal
darkness of space. It was here where I found my eyes drifting across the landscape of the sweet morning air.
The Last Image - She's on my mind
Ramon, my stepfather, was now long gone, for he departed in the wee hours of the morning. When
the sky was still dark, and the stridulating sound of crickets permeated through the small forest of
trees. I reveled in the thought of knowing he was far away and wondered what he was up to at
this moment. If I had to theorize, I would say he has just finished some small task and is now in
the process of pouring a cup of El Pico as I speak. In that aphotic room, slightly lower than the
desolate enclosure, the one with enormous, pebbled glass windows lined with chicken wire from
another time, one could hear now the sound of a stainless-steel coffee pot percolating.
The Ink Spots - The java jive
I remember asking him (in years gone by) why the graveled roof was on the second floor,
and he replied by saying: “It’s not a roof. The roof is on the fourteenth floor, where the
water tower that operates the hand-pulled freight elevator is. This is only a level where
the air conditioning units are kept. And also because you can open the window and
climb outside to check when one of the units is not working properly.”
Without hesitation, I carefully removed an ornate water pipe from its secret hiding place and
set it down in a clandestine manner. Mother was still sleeping, so I strolled downstairs through
a somber living room and into the kitchen, where I readily filled an eight-ounce green glass coke
bottle to its rim. The audible buzzing of an old fluorescent light above my head and its inane
flickering threw up red flags, for in the hazy mist of all that was calm, there was now an
imperative lurking danger. Not wanting to step up on a chair, I examined the slender white
tubes at a respectable distance, only to find they were both darkened at each end.
A tingling sensation crawled up my spine, alerting me to the fact that someone had broken
into the house and was hiding in the basement. An eeriness I could not quite define led to a
sense of dread as I thought I had heard something and realized I had to move fast. The loud
clunking sound of our old oil burner made it feel like an escapee from the state mental
hospital down the road had just pushed up against it in anger, but the truth be told, it was
just a fabrication of the mind.
I don't know why, but I’ve always had a dreaded fear of dark, isolated places.
Fear of something popping out, not human, I guess.
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The kitchen was facing west, so it took some time before any light could be seen on
this side, and that always gave me the creeps. As I pondered the estate of the day,
I couldn't help feeling a bit confused or even worried about what awaited me on
the other side of that closed door. Wondering, if I would be here tomorrow,
and if so, what about the following week?
I was disenchanted by life's redundancies. So, I chose a way out.
Opening the freezer door, I shivered, as the cold air poured out circulated around
the floor. I pulled apart a metal ice cube tray, scattering insignificant shards of
ice along the laminated countertop and floor. (Some clinging to my sock, as do
hitchhikers when walking through dense portions of the woods.) Tempted to throw
it in the garbage, I salvaged as many relevant pieces as I possibly could and put
them in a cup before returning the useless item to its original position in the freezer.
“Why won't they just buy new ice trays?”
The very thought of this would have been inconceivable.
As for some of us, it's easier not to do anything but continue
going through all the motions we've grown accustomed to.
Thinking of a show I saw on television; the cold air reminded me of how it would
be to live in winter all year-round. With that, I slowly fell into a dream.
Snow was blowing on a lake of glass where ice sculptures posed as elaborate
entrance columns to a new and inviting world. A world where lofty igloos settle
in the arctic tundra and the magnificent causeways branching out like frozen
fingers were a thoroughfare for the Inuit, who had no other means of passage.
The northern lights shimmering in the great expanse which illuminated the
sky also shone down upon the alabaster ground like a rainbow of colors,
entwining themselves in their undefinable illusion.
Somewhere out in the elliptical mesosphere of the mind, a door
that had been locked for so many years gradually began to open,
and ‘I’ could have never imagined the outcome.
Back in the land of white, there were boats pulling glaciers around
on an ocean of frozen pain, frosty air too cold to breathe encircled
the scenery, when a penguin darts out of the icy channel. But in
doing so, he immediately turns to stone.
“Hmmmm,” I pondered, lost in thought, “maybe we could put a heated
pool in the living room. . . Oh, for God's sake, the freezer door is still open.”
The time on the kitchen clock read 5:12.
I closed the door and moved apprehensively across the floor directly above
a source of unknown power lying dormant in the basement. With a nocturnal
malevolence only the light could beset, they would wait ever so patiently to
manifest themselves again upon my return. It was merely the darkness I
knew before, letting me know that one day, I would be going back to it.
Only next time, I would be the one with peering
eyes in an inconspicuous location. . . A cold draft.
Once in a while, I turn to find that I, myself, am alone in the eventide.
When those emasculating shadows hiding behind the stairs begin to
move until they're in every coat closet. Sometimes there is nothing
more chilling nor dangerous than one's own overactive imagination.
I hit the light switch and trolled through the living room, my heart pounding.
I could hardly wait for that first morning toke of fine herbal essence. (As we
jokingly referred to it.) Upon my ascension up the grueling staircase, my senses
went awry and I began to feel most uneasy. Every step I took was filled with
more anxiety than the next, and I just couldn't get up there fast enough. As I
was halfway up the stairs, my breathing became labored. In a way, it felt as
though something was behind me. Something dark and dreadful that just
wanted to leap out and see me cringe.
Man, I thought as I closed the frail hollow door to my bedroom,
I must have more THC in my system than a marijuana plant.
C. A. Quintet - Bury me in a marijuana field
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I emptied the contents of the cup into the glass bong and poured the water in as well.
Anxiously, I positioned the coke bottle on my dresser, where together they stood at
attention like obedient soldiers. From out of nowhere, I heard a loud bang outside,
followed by the sound of a hollow metal object rolling. Instinctively, I motioned
toward the window facing south. Mr. Tannenbaum, our next-door neighbor had
knocked over his metal trash can and was now fishing for the steel handle. I had
my hand on my head as I anticipated him falling on it. Then not only would my
mother be woken up early, but I would have to go outside and help him to his
quivering feet. I'd have to walk to the curb and fetch the cover for him as well,
lest I think about it for the rest of my natural life.
Maybe the government should consider legalizing weed, I thought.
After all, it is just a plant.
I then pondered the aspects of legalization. If anyone could cultivate it, then I'm sure
a percentage of those people would be seeking to profit from it. And in the long run
Uncle Sam loses revenue, because no one will declare any wages they earn from it.
The government will only legalize what it can strong-arm.
You can't even sell your own body if you want to.
The Shays - Brainwashed
Let's just say, that if someone found a way to chemically synthesize a recreational drug
from an ordinary flower, men in suits would soon be arriving to dispose of them.
Trying to find a sheet of Bambú rolling paper was futile as there was only the empty housing
of the dull cardboard packaging, so I grappled with a sheet of e-z wider double wide instead.
It was almost impossible now to remove the paper from its sleeve, for I had
been running around yesterday with the pack in my pocket. High humidity
and perspiration are two natural enemies of the rolling paper, and the only
thing I could think of was whether or not the glue was going to hold.
After much effort, I had something which resembled a sheet of rolling paper.
Seeing that it was too big for what I wanted, I firmly creased
a half-inch line and ran a lick with the tip of my tongue.
I then pulled, like you would pull apart a set of chopsticks, and voila!
I now had the perfect width. After the clipping and discarding of the
stems, the removal of the seeds, and the breaking of the buds, I rolled
a wonderfully smelling, exquisitely looking marijuana cigarette that
mildly resembled a makeshift Pall Mall.
With a pleasant demeanor, I tucked it inside my dresser drawer.
Next to the window, I sat. In case of an abrupt knock on the door,
I would have enough time to adjust the situation.
This jet-black herb with purple hair was new to our scene and eventually
grew to be well-acclaimed for its potency. Some claimed that it was twice
as good as buddha or sinsemilla. Therefore, I coveted it like gold. Even
though in all my observations and documented writings, I had yet to try it.
That was, until now, the moment of my awakening.
There were no dime bags to be had by anyone. Only twenties and fifties in clear ruffled
sandwich bags neatly rolled to perfection and taped to look like a black finger. I weighed
the odds but came to no direct conclusion. The way the black market currently stands in
today's economic recession: The year is 1982, and for five dollars, I could buy a nickel
bag of pot, which is approximately half the size of my fist, or I could invest in this,
and possibly end up writing something substantial for my efforts.
I held the small object in my hand and wondered, do I really want to do this?
Bringing the small packet to my nose, I breathed in deeply. . . “How exquisite.”
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Overall, it would be like having less than ten dollars.
Upon inquiring as to its whereabouts, I was told that in reference to my
question, I was wrong. The weed actually arrived from Egypt (Not Africa) and
was difficult to obtain. After some thought, I decided to go ahead and accept
his offer. He claimed it is also called, Raea, but not here in Staten Island.
Palliating the deed may have looked like a pleasant conversation between
two acquaintances, followed by a stern yet impressive handshake.
That purchase compromised my savings significantly; leaving me with
seven bucks in my new wallet which made it feel like there was nothing
in my back pocket at all.
For three brief months, it abounded and was exalted in pot-smoking circles.
Hailed as the mother of all reefer, I would soon attest to it, as well. That was
until the plane of rapid decline landed in obscurity, leaving everyone to pause
and wonder. Soon, the more it was talked about, the less it was found until it
disappeared into the murky waters of time forever.
Nothing but the cracked and withered seeds of Neptali remain as I type
these notes to you from another day and age. In a time so far away from
the present day, I find it hard to understand I've come this far...
Quietly, I packed a portion of the fragrant Neptali bud into a thimble-
sized cup protruding out from the mid-center of my tubular bong. Using
my thumb, I applied moderate tamping pressure. Releasing a few drops
of food coloring, I watched it stream down through the water to the
bottom, near the smoke intake aperture.
And as it settled like green blood,
I wondered what the day would bring.
Capping the small plastic vial of liquid, I would lay it to rest in my
paraphernalia box beside a pot pipe, a couple of toke stones, and a
wonderful chunk of red hash I copped on Tuesday. Every time I opened
that box, I saw a cornucopia filled with the most wonderful things.
This world could break your heart. It could shatter your dreams, and
it can torture your soul, but sometimes it can almost make you smile.
I grinned before striking the match and proceeded to inhale deeply.
Holding it in for as long as I could before coughing violently. My lungs
felt like a hive that had just been invaded by a swarm of angry wasps.
I held the mystic bong in my lap, and every time I took a hit, it bubbled like dry ice
and looked like a mad invention. White smoke as thick as the flames that consumed
the witch in Hansel and Gretel lifted out of the fancy contrivance to curl around me.
I only wanted to take five long tokes for now until I got used to it.
Unlike John and Paul, two months down the line, who would take twelve hits each
without stopping. What happened, you might ask? John jumped up and reached
under his bed, which was just a mattress on the floor. He ran out into the street
with a fully pumped pellet gun and blew the side window out of his Nova.
I was with them but refused to smoke.
“Are you an asshole?” screamed Paul, on the other side of the
car, who had to jump out of the path of the flying trajectory.
“You could-a-shot me!”
“I should have,” replied John while laughing most heartily.
“Then I wouldn't have to go for a new window.”
As I sat in my bedroom buzzing, I thought of how small it was in
comparison to other bedrooms with a much larger circumference.
The room had two windows, but they seemed to be almost within arm's
reach of each other, and it seemed to be getting smaller by the minute,
like being confined to a tiny prison cell with no hope of ever escaping.
As I thought of my childhood, growing up in Staten Island, and the way
things were now, I was sent spiraling into the bowels of depression.
Why am I alive?
What is my purpose in life?
It was clear I didn't have one.
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Oddly enough, I felt like I should be preparing for my retirement instead
of just beginning to live. The feelings I began to experience were to such
an intense degree, I thought I might become a victim of my own emotions.
This profound melancholy welling up from within my spirit began eating into
my brain like an infection, and I could not stop it. No matter how hard I tried.
As I opened my paraphernalia box and looked inside, I now saw only problems.
If my mother wasn't home, I would have thrown it out the window. A muculent tear
streamed down my nose, and I wiped it away quickly. God help me, I thought,
because I think I made a terrible mistake. . . Of which, I may not recover.
In truth,
the only mistake I ever made in this inexorable life was being born.
As I began to think of members of my immediate family, I came to realize a
harsh truth. I was the only black sheep. “You have to grow up,” my cousin
Patricia would tell me. “You can't party forever unless you want to live on
the street. Get a job and be self-sufficient for once in your life. You want a
wife and family someday, don't you?”
Oh, my dear cousin, you have no idea,
but the fact of the matter remains. . .
I am leaving today.
Leaving this world of misery and suffering forever.
The torment of having to comprehend things that go far beyond
the scope of what a young man is supposed to be able to absorb
and retain. The bitter agony of a loss so great that it defies not
only reason but everything my eyes reflect in silence.
Floyd and Jerry with The Counterpoints - Believe in things
As fragments of thoughts spun around in my head, they created
a picture of things to come. The miseries that were unavoidable
would one day become my existence because my destiny has
already been written in blood and sealed with human flesh.
And nothing on earth would ever be able
to alter my own inevitable and tragic fate.
John Does - One kind favor
I then came to a realization that if I did leave this place in the manner to
which I was referring, I was only going to end up in another place of equal
or greater torment; a plateau where I would be equally confounded and besides,
I made a promise to a very dear friend a long time ago. A personal commitment
to withstand the agonies of life. No matter how deep I drown, I had to survive.
If not for these words of love,
I would not be here today, and this manuscript would not exist.
As I gently parted the curtains to look through an unsullied pane of glass,
the sun could be seen delicately emerging through the trees. In my ungoverned
mind, I perceived there to be a message of inspiration in everything those
amber rays touched. An invitation by God to simply abide for another instant
in time. To repeat the diurnal course had already been decided for me, and as
my spirit came alive, the day almost seemed to be imploring me to live, so I
may explore it. Like a beam of hope, my eyes were drawn to the scintillating
beauty of an inspiring allurement to find what can only be described as the
dawning of a glorious new day.
As the sun's auburn rays coated the trees, it appeared to make the birds
sing louder. I knew right then and there that I wanted to live. I wanted
to live so dearly and bask in each moment.
More than anything, I wanted to see a butterfly. I wanted to see it
land in a flower and leave with something more than it came with,
to watch it fly around for no apparent reason before disappearing
into the ceiling of the morning sky, the same as I will do one day.
But that day is no longer upon me.
The high was truly astounding, and it didn’t appear to be stopping.
Mud - Flower power
A towel had been cleverly placed under the crack of my door
as an added precaution to prevent any mishaps from occurring.
“Does she even know I'm up?”
Six tokes on a bubbling instrument of smoking pleasure,
and I would find myself resonating toward the light of dreams,
which had begun to commandeer my train of thought.
Pg 5
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"Inkpop" reviews for chapter 1
Alimr - This is really good. I can tell your a great writer.
cara_ruegg - hah i loved the epigraph. it is so true! :p a beautiful imagery
right away in the first paragraph with the birds chirping etc. I love the dreams.
They're very interesting. This is a great concept! great idea to write about a
daydreamer which all kids are. I can really relate to your character.
Very polished and well-written. I can def see it published.
GG Anderson - WOW And I don't use that word lightly- seriously, this is in perfect shape-
completely polished- ( ok I am no editor- but) I have to say you had me at the ice trays,-
I love love love that visual- The only downside I have for it - it got a little deap at times-
I know that I am blonde, I get that, but sometimes I was re reading to make sure that I
got what you were saying- I don't think it was the phrasing at all, I think it is just simply
that your mind works on a Frasier level- that is not a cut that is a compliment- You are
gifted- seriously seriously gifted- I wish that I had your talent- I read this simply because
I saw your reveiw on something else that I read- if you have time- I would be really
thrilled if you could read mine- You are the type of feedback all writers love- (even
when they don't think they do) :) Thanks for the "deep thoughts"
isabella2296 - The epigraph was an incredible way to start off this fantastic
and intriguing story. I can tell you're a very talented writer, with your amazing
description. This was so well-polished and the writing style was immensely great.
The poetic tone you used was like a melody, practically. This is a work of art!
kumquatsrus - I like the poetic tone used in the narrations. Most of it flows well and
sounds nice on the tongue. However, the plot is somewhat confusing. I feel like things
are jumbled and out of place, because it was really hard to follow what was going on.
That being said, there were very few errors (aside from some missing punctuation),
so kudos on that. I think...I don't know. I can't tell what I think about this. There are
some parts where I was caught thinking to myself, "Hey, this is good!" and others
where I thought, "Wait, what?" I think this is, overall, well written — albeit somewhat
hard to understand. Hope this helped.
Mcrae by Nature - You are a very talented writer. I rarely read first person
point of view and enjoy it. This I enjoyed. Your descriptions are very mature,
and beleivable. Great imagery as well. In all you have a greeat story here. You
sould bring all your chapters together into a book, then people would be more
likely to keep reading and maybe even pick it. Thanks.
The Hippie - Beautiful imagery. I love how the reader is able to live inside your head,
and see every thought and passing imagery. That does make it a bit hard to follow, but
if that's what you are wanting the reader to experience then you have accomplished this.
XochGarcia - You are a very detailed, mature and excellent writer. Your word choices are
needle-point sharp and they fit perfectly well with the story. I did however, (boo if you will,
but at least I am honest) had just a 'teensy' bit of trouble following along. Personally, I can
admit that I too get lost with the details in the stories I try to put down. If I may suggest,
that you emphasize from the very beginning what the story is about. Other than that,
I completely liked, enjoyed it. I will be back for more.
"Worthy of Publishing" reviews for chapter 1
Abby Vandiver - Your words are very nice, I definitely like your writing style, but I haven't
the faintest idea what it is about. It seems to me, and perhaps just because I couldn't follow,
that you jump all over. Initially the mother was up doing her usual morning things and then she
was back up because she only went to relieve herself. I am thouroughly lost. *Rating = 3-1/2 stars*
Charles Pendelton - Dear Abby; Please allow me to explain, as I was not trying to be ambiguous!
I merely said, "Mom was attending to her daily routine," (the routine of getting up each morning to
tinkle.) It cannot be more self-explanatory, because I return to write, "Mother soon climbs back
into the comfort of her awaiting bed, for she arose solely to relieve herself." I hate to start sounding
like Bill O'Reilly, but come on now! Even my dog has a routine; she wakes me up at exactly 6am each
and every morning to eat! You could set your clock by her! So just remember for the future that
"a routine" doesn't necessarily mean a long endearing task! It can also be something we do impulsively,
on a regular basis like walking to the kitchen for a midnight snack, or taking a leak. . . 'Nuff said.
Amy Kulaga - This book is truly worthy of publishing. You choose fantastic word choice!
I can't wait to find this book in stores. (if it isn't already) *rating = 5 stars*
Charles Pendelton - Thank you Amy for such wonderful input and encouragement!
Lady Coldfeather - I'll be honest, I struggled to stay with this....you have a natural
talent but sometimes it seems to me that you're being quite pretentious or trying
to hard. Also I feel like this character just doesn't belong in the setting, and as for
the drugs theme... have you ever taken anything before? It doesn't come across
that you have any real experience...However as I said you do have a knack for it.
Just try tone down the flowery writing and insert a sense of realism. *rating = 3 stars*
Charles Pendelton - I can understand your disappointment concerning the character,
and how you feel that he doesn't belong in the story. You are right; I didn't belong there,
but have you forgotten this is an autobiographical tale? A recount of one day in my life.
Forgive me for being elaborate, and writing in verse when it suits me, but dear lady
it seems I cannot make it clearer; I wrote the book for me, not you. And I mean it
in the sweetest of words, so you have no reason to harbour any ill will toward me.
I never claimed to be talented, but you have chosen to pin that medal on me, and
I shall not rebuke it. As far as trying too hard, you're correct. If you are going to do
something, you must do it to the best of your ability or do not do it at all. As far as
the drug theme goes, you must remember that not everyone who smokes pot has
the same reaction. Some people become more creative, while others feel elated.
Some people can drive, other people can work, but unlike the masses of people who
can do all of these things, there are still a percentage of us who become severely
depressed and psychotic. That is why some of us stop. It doesn't take a brain scientist
to light a joint, and I would be astounded if anyone could write such an extensive ledger
with no real experience. So lady C. the answer to your question is yes, I have used drugs,
but I do not use them anymore. Lastly, why I have chosen to write my novel creatively
and a bit overblown, is because any writer with no talent at all can pick up a pen and begin
jotting. It is the precise combination of words in perfect balance that give a novel its integrity.
Without that, we are nothing more than a mask in a crowd of faces bearing the same scowl.
:) Galazzy :( - Neat :) Just wondering, have you yourself done any of these substances? *rating = *None*
Charles Pendelton - I hate to say it, but I think a trend is starting here. . . A bad one.
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This review was posted on Feb/6/22
Suvechhamirkap of Fiverr - A tingling sensation crawled up my spine, alerting me to the fact
that someone had broken into the house and was hiding in the basement. An eeriness I could not
quite define led to a sense of dread. I thought I heard something and realized I had to move fast.
Don't know why, but I’ve always had a dreaded fear of dark isolated places.
Fear of something popping out not human, I guess.
Q) -Is this the same fear that you had when you were a child?
A) Yes, it is the same fear I had as a child.
The unknown, dark regions always seem to raise an
eyebrow in my mind. Especially, when something falls
to the floor during the night, and I am in another room!
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Sometimes there is nothing more chilling,
nor dangerous, than one's own overactive imagination.
I can not agree more with you on this. Sometimes I cook up whole scenarios in
my head and become anxious needlessly. Sometimes I manage to convince myself
someone will beat me up if they are angry enough with me. That is the worst part
of my ‘beloved’ imagination. Overactive imagination is both a blessing and a curse.
Q) Neptal- what is this? Couldn’t find it on google
A) Considering, that it was 1982, and only around for a few short months,
I wasn't sure anything would pop up either. And rather than simply call it
something else, I decided to call it by the only name I could remember.
Some called it Neptali, and a few called it Sable. I combined the two to
create the name, Neptali Sable. Sadly, there is no record of its existence.
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Q) muculent tear – how can a tear be muculent?
A) Muculent is derived from the word mucus, and can be used to describe anything
that is slimy, such as sticky noodles, octopus' tentacles, or nasal discharge that
flows from the nose when you find yourself weeping. And yes, it is quite sticky.
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In truth, the only mistake I ever made in this inexorable life was being born.
That’s terrible. Nobody should have to feel that way… being alive is such a wonderful
blessing. I can’t imagine the pain one must be going through to think like that.
The torment of having to comprehend things that go far beyond the normal
scope of what a young man is supposed to be able to absorb and retain.
It’s so true. When the young innocent people have to go through trails of life, they
lose their innocent way of thinking. Some break under the pressure. Some evolve
and become stronger. Some just survive and the rest of their life is spent in mediocrity.
Privileged and sheltered children will never understand.
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I think I made a terrible mistake. . . Of which, I may not recover
Q) Of which or from which? (I am not sure, just thought
the sentence was a little off… sorry if I am wrong)
A) "Of which" is part of a relative clause. "Which" is the relative pronoun and "of"
is a preposition placed at the beginning of the relative clause, instead of at the end.
She discovered so many spiders, of which she was most afraid. He answered all
the listening and reading exercises, of which the test mostly consisted.
I think it's just a matter of removing the comma which I just did!
I also changed another line that eluded me long ago. . .
I then came to the realization, that if I really did leave this place in the manner
(((in which))) I was referring, I was only going to end up in another place of equal
or greater torment. A plateau where I would be equally confounded and besides,
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A plateau where I would be equally confounded and besides,
Q) Why a plateau? That’s a little confusing…
A plateau is a flat, elevated landform that rises sharply above the surrounding area on
at least one side. Plateaus occur on every continent and take up a third of the Earths
land. They are one of the four major landforms, along with mountains, plains, and hills.
A) I merely used the word to describe the Otherworld. The land of Hell and all that which is
incomprehensible to humans. The word seemed to have the right feel for what I was looking
for at the time, and though it may sound a bit selfish, I really did write the book for myself
and have no plans of releasing it to the general public. The worst that could happen is that
people have to keep researching words, and hopefully learn a little something in the process!
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I made a promise to a very dear friend a long time ago.
A personal commitment to withstand the agonies of life.
Oh, I remember the promise! Glad you honoured your promise.
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I feel like the vocabulary used is so much advanced that it can only understood
by a very small minority in this world where people speak hundreds of different
languages. This is what I found uncommon in this chapter compared to other
novels of same genre I have read.
I assume (correct me if I am wrong) your target audience is the general population,
right? You want to share your experiences and lessons with the world, I perceive. But
the general population may not be able to enjoy it if they can’t grasp the meaning.
This is just my opinion though. That does not mean the presentation is any less than
wonderful. The detailed description makes one feel like they can see the events unfolding
in front of their eyes. I very much enjoy a really good descriptive read and this chapter
certainly made it a much more enjoyable experience. But even me, a voracious reader
who has read more than thousand books, found herself googling many terms and words
to see their meaning (yeah, it is embarrassing pretty to admit). But I didn’t find it a least
bit annoying, as I got to learn so much more. After all, that is the beauty of reading.
It was so wonderfully written that I read the whole chapter in a single sitting.
I rarely feel my time to be so well spent. That means a big thumbs up from my part.
I hope to read the rest of the chapters soon too.
Wishing you all my best regards!
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Authors notes: I'm really surprised you said that the vocabulary used is so
advanced! As I writer I was simply trying out different methods on how to convey
my thoughts and emotions without sounding like any other writer in literature.
Chapter 2 is full-blown prose! Not purple prose, that I saved for chapter 25.
Now that one’s going to blow your mind!
I cannot wait to send you chapter 2 next week. The writing style is so profound,
it almost seems to propel me back to my old room in that very same day and age.
It is the only way to bring an external body, (meaning the reader) to the stage where
I was at the time. That exalting high where the intensity of the marijuana was taking me.
Most writers would not be able to logically convey their thoughts into meaningful words
in that mental state of profound confusion, but I persevered to create a novel so unique
it almost seems to defy explanation. As I have stated in one of my chapters before
retracting it, and I really don't know why I did that. . .
"Life is nothing more than a series of ongoing experiments."
The trick is not to truly understand everything,
but to interpret it in our own special way.
Chas. Pen
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This review was posted on Feb/8/22
katialuc of Fiverr
Hello,
I am glad that you can take criticism. It's how we learn and grow.
I am no expert in memoirs, so take my review with a grand of salt.
My expertise is in fictional work.
1. I don't think any literature is trash, I just think it can be improved upon.
To answer your question, I think it can be improved upon. As I was reading,
I noticed some punctuation errors.
2. Yes, it felt too flowery. Less is more, is what I advise. There is time
and space for flowery language but overwhelming the readers with
those words will be a quick way to have them put it down. Again, I do
not know much about writing memoir. I don't read them, either. I don't
know if you do, but I'd suggest reading a few memoirs as well.
3. Where it is at now, I would consider it as amateur. However, the one you
shared with me in December was good. You have the talent to get it there.
4. First chapter is very important in a book. It is how you going to
pull your readers into the story or have them put it back on the shelf.
Would I read it for fun, no. It's a personal preference.
Overall, you have the gift, but do cut down on the flowery language just a smidge.
I hope this is helpful. Again, it is not something I know much about.
If you need anything else, please don't hesitate to ask.
Thank you,
Katia
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Authors notes: It's my fault entirely, Katia. I failed to notice that you do not read erotica, fantasy,
horror, and literary fiction, and my novel is upmarket literary fiction.
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This review was posted on Feb/11/22
Jacob's review
This chapter is definitely experimental, which I loved.
You paint the picture of smoking weed and contemplating suicide so perfectly,
and so believable, that it gave me chills reading.
The prose read like poetry, and it was exquisitely written. You painted vivid pictures
of the setting, the scene, the protagonist, the secondary cast, and the action.
I have zero negative opinions about this piece, it was simply marvellous.
The narration was pitch-perfect for me, you blended dialogue and
characterization perfectly, without going too far artistically.
The pacing of the chapter, for me, was perfect, especially the “fear” scene that
drew me in. Only later to be replaced by the suicidal thoughts and understanding.
I have a very similar experience, and I truly shared the characters feelings.
WELL DONE!
Chas Pen - Thank you, Jacob for your wonderful review of my first chapter!
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Sarah's review
For me, the chapter was a bit overwritten, it was beautiful, but it read difficultly.
It reminded me of purple prose, and there is nothing wrong with that, I just don’t
prefer it. The little bit of dialogue was well done, but the narration dragged a bit
for me. Below are some examples of where I think the prose is overwritten:
auditory buzzing
hazy mist
I feel like these examples are overwritten because buzzing is already auditory, and mist
is hazy. However, I really did like your chapter, I felt it moved along at a nice pace!
The setting of the scenes was incredibly done, oh my gosh, I was in awe,
but it was a bit overwritten. It wasn’t a chore to read, but it wasn’t relaxing
if you understand. Maybe I am just used to thrillers with choppy sentences.
But I did like the chapter, and I would like to read it further.
Chas Pen - As to Sarah’s review, auditory buzzing is mostly referred to in cases of
tinnitus, but it does sound better than just saying, the buzzing above my head in this
particular instance. Also, in the hazy mist produces a dreamy effect, that in my own
personal opinion is more relatable, especially when the intoxicant is marijuana.
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Ella's review
I just want to congratulate you on your first chapter, it was exquisitely written.
From the narration to the dialogue to the world-building, I loved all of it.
The only thing that was missing for me was the plot. I don’t think that there is much
of a plot, and if this novel is more of a character-focused novel, then that is completely
understandable. I would just like to know more about these characters from the first
chapter already. But I did get that from the protagonist, but I wanted more plot
development in the first chapter, not just a guy smoking weed and contemplating life.
But, as I write this, I know that my issue is very minor, as I REALLY liked the chapter.
Also, the fear scene went nowhere for me. I was hoping that it would develop into
something more, but it was done well for me. I just wished that you expanded on
this more. Then it would have made a killer first chapter.
Chas Pen - Ella Indeed, it is a character-driven story, with the protagonist at
the helm of the ship at all times. Unfortunately, the characters do not evolve
as quickly as you would like them to, because unlike Stephen King, this novel is
slow to evolve. That doesn’t mean it stagnates; it simply means that it guides
the reader slowly through the course of twenty-four hours. Also, and some of you
may find this very distasteful, any thoughts that arise during this time period,
or any jottings I may have written (that have entered my mind) are brought to
life in other chapters. It’s not that I am trying to confuse the reader, it is merely
the way the book has been written from an individualistic perspective. As for the
‘fear scene,’ I only write what I experience and can manage to scrawl into words
and perfect to the best of my abilities. That is what happened, and so, I can only
show you the memories of what once was in my own unique words.
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Karla's (Marlee) review
I have nothing negative to say about the chapter, as my fellow beta readers mentioned,
the pace, the dialogue and everything worked for me. My only concern is the physical text.
It is a small issue, but it is necessary. Per industry standards, the first line (except the first
line of the chapter) of each paragraph should be indented.
For example, the following paragraphs should have been aligned as follows:
You should also consider the space between chapters, as this was not really necessary,
you only need to have a white negative space when there is a scene break or a “breather”.
Not after each paragraph.
For instance:
What do you think of this?
Overall, your chapter was amazing. We loved reading it and it was one of the first we have ever
beta read. You really have immense talent as a writer. We hope you find an agent for this piece.
Well done!
It was an honor to read your chapter, thank you for choosing us.
Chas Pen - Marlee actually, I have tried exactly what you explained, however, I am rather
obsessed with perfection, and realized that each chapter would never be “page-perfect” had
I shifted the text around to become longer. I tried and failed long before realizing this was
the only way. With each page of every chapter ending perfectly, it only seems to accentuate
my work. The text cannot carry over to the next page. I am sure to you it must seem absurd,
and to a publisher even insane, but these are the rules I must follow and adhere to.
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This review was posted on Mar/3/22
Hajranoor786's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Reader Report
Beta Reader's Report by Hajra Noor
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This review was posted on Mar/22/22
Lameez' review
Beta-Read Report for 'The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe - Chapter 1'
Beta Reader: Lameez Rushin (Lameezisreal)
Overall Impression
You have an incredibly talented way of describing the world around the Main Character (MC).
Your use of adjectives that describe the sound, feeling, texture, even surprise is done so thoughtfully
that I felt almost entirely immersed in the scene. The pacing and flow were a bit choppy in the
beginning but as the chapter progressed, the flow leveled out and the story took shape a little easier.
Chapter Notes
The above being said, one area of note that I’d like to point out was the snippet of dialogue from
the MC’s father. The quote was overshadowed by the environment building around it. The vivid
descriptions drowned out the effect of the quote. A suggestion for a quote in the midst of such
evocative imagery would be to immerse the quote in the imagery without breaking the scene.
For example, “some years ago, my stepfather had explained that…” This keeps the reader in the scene.
One of my favorite points in the chapter was at the end of page four, the topic of legalizing weed and so on,
it felt like the perfect transition from the expressive writing to the plot without breaking the scene or the imagery
you’d already established. Once you’d made that flawless transition, the scene talking about only taking five hits
of the bong and then shifting to the short conversation between John and Paul was superbly done. It matched
with the new pace and theme of the chapter. It didn’t feel as choppy as the dialogue from the MC’s father.
Character Notes
In the opening scene, the MC beautifully describes the world around him, his mother, his general environment.
Then we learn he smokes while also emphasizing that he is managing the amount that he smokes. He thinks about
the legality of things and that he feels like an outcast in his family with bouts of depression as well. This builds
sympathy for the MC because it showed me that he has this pure view of the world but also a negative view of
himself and by the end of the chapter, his choice to keep trying, to see a butterfly 'land in a flower and leave with
something more than it came with', gives this notion that staying to see things the outcome is worth something.
Thoughts After Finishing The Chapter
I know the story has a long way to go and I can definitely see a budding plot behind the MC and the world you’ve so
delicately and skillfully created. I am curious to see where this goes because of the many things you’ve touched on in this
chapter. Like what’s happening in the basement (that was a little confusing but I’m sure it will become clearer), where his
friends are, his relationship with his mother, his relationship with weed (if it's to escape something or just for recreation).
You’ve done amazingly and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
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This review was posted on Mar/25/22
Meredith's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Reader Report
Beta Reader: Meredith Grace (Meredithtrapp)
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This review was posted on Mar/25/22
alits29's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Reader Report
Beta Reader's Report by Alitha Igloria (alits29)
FIRST IMPRESSION
This chapter overpowers me with utmost positivity. The core is very profound due to
the fact that the character exposed a strength in baffling spiritual and emotional state,
an individual experiencing ambiguity of life.
The chapter revealed a transition of the character from feeling indifferent to spiritual
awakening. I admired how the twist of reality from helplessness to a higher version
of self-realization becomes the center of this piece.
The only blockage that I found upon reading it are the obscure words, instigating my attention
to seek clarity of the material I’m indulging with. A just but efficient choice of words appropriate
for the general intellect of the audience provides better clarity and pacify interest.
But I was taken aback with surprise as I came to this fragment of the last half of the chapter…
“Why am I alive? What is my purpose in life? It was clear, I didn’t have one.” …
These were the exact questions that I had when I was at my early age of 10.
I don’t believe in coincidence, but this gave me the impression that it is fated that I will beta read
this kind of piece of work. And it’s aligned with the existing concern that many individuals were
experiencing. This story would serve as an explicit model for society to realize how other people
or individuals live this kind of situation. And thus, extends a compassion that we are not alone.
I found no flaw in this work. And I have a great confidence of the author’s ability
in the manner of presenting his work. I believe writers are unique and they have
their personal touch in every line of the story.
Personally, I love it. This chapter is a possible springboard for the whole book.
I have a strong belief that majority of the audience will be reading it, for it will
inspire others. Also, it feeds my inquisitive mind of the coming chapters.
CHAPTER OPENING
The opening actually gives me the atmosphere of what most novel unveil their first chapter.
Effortlessly clever in painting the whole scene with flowery words. Honestly, it’s perfect to the
point that it gives me the vibes of a bestselling novel. I don’t find it disturbing for I’m immune
with the literary mannerism of writers. But to common book lovers, it leads to deterrence to
reading the book. Mostly, they pursue clarity first or otherwise they resolve skipping that part.
Also, I can’t help but noticed how the writer poetically present the scene with those flattery words.
I feel like those words are dancing and amused with each other. But in general, it’s a great opening.
CHARACTER ANALYSIS
It’s too early to justify the characters since it’s just the first chapter of the story. My inquisitiveness was
activated and desired in knowing the name of the character. Specially, that the character experienced
transition of himself. There must be a thorough explanation of the childhood life of the character.
In the chapter, I saw how the character reveal his being imaginative or overthinking side and highly
intellectual person.
I’m just curious. Was the character’s self -realization happened because he is under influenced by
the herbal essence or his subconsciousness got unstable due to the herbal essence causing his higher
self to step in and remind him of the purpose of his existence. I’m intrigue.
PACE AND FLOW
Honestly, its fast. And there were a lot of scenes popping after the other due to the character’s illusion.
It’s nice actually but so many events happened in just one chapter. I didn’t expect that the character
will transform in that chapter. I thought its just the initial episodes of how it all started.
There were some parts of the chapter that made me feel lost in second and asked “what happened?
why? I was just enjoying the moment” then suddenly change of scene.
LANGUAGE
The way the writer play around with words is really great. It marvels my intellect that you knew what
you are doing. And believe me I speak your language specially the later part where you freely exposed
your inner emotional state and the fragments of your distinguished thoughts. I love how you made it
sound poetic and resulted like a dramatic piece. Only those obscure words that represents confusion
to the scene hurdles my interest.
SENSITIVITY
Concerning with the herbal essence, I was anxious that I would be reading lines of uncomfortable revelation
of that substance. And that there would be exposure of violence in connection with that substance.
So far, the writer presented it well that it made me feel peaceful that it’s actually a normal thing nothing to be
bothered of. And for this, I’m glad how the writer manifests it in the story revealing it in an obvious manner.
Also, the manner of expressing the desperation of the character’s life demonstrate how everyone battles inside.
DIALOGUE WRITING
The writer presented the story in a manner of simply communicating to a friend. Or to the audience.
Again, the author/writer is very eloquent in delivery of the message. I myself learn some techniques
in this material on how he transcends his story and episodes.
PLOT/CONSISTENCY
As I contemplate, this chapter is great for it reveals a lot of discernment of the character who choose to stand for
his faith. The struggles that the character experienced, that bridged him to his higher self- realization is beautiful.
I love it because it showed how powerful human kind is. Also, the story started with indifference then twist with
fate and transcend to a spiritual awakening. It made me reflect that sometimes things have to happen before you
arrive to your destination because life is a journey we need to experience. So, there no such thing as coincidence
because everything was written and planned out by the divine.
SETTING/DESCRIPTION
The chapter has a lot of setting. The opener is well revealed like the character suddenly went to another location or
somewhere else. But in other episodes /scene maybe a more descriptive ambiance of the setting or rather a more
aesthetic sensitivity to illustrate it more. Just some few add -on would provide a vibrant imagination to the readers.
But I love it. I see the personal touch of the writer.
GRAMMAR/SYNTAX
I like how the writer manifest the story. And I observed that the messages were well expressed however some words
were causing confusion. But, is it really necessary to make the statements or lines complicated? I mean I feel like I need
to reread some lines to grasp the hidden definition because it has sophisticated arrangement of words, particularly the
later part where the discernment is happening.
ENDING
It somehow made me reflect that this self -realization happens when we gain maturity because it made the mind to assess
and evaluate the action done. And this chapter ends satisfactorily because something great happen though under the influence
of experiencing the herbal essence. But also, it motivates a lot of questions to what’s next. This chapter is a springboard to the
whole story. And in my own point of view, stories like this about man’s spiritual awakening in the midst of ambiguity of life is a
powerful and a must-read book.
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Dear Alitha,
Although you consider it a task, please try to think of it as a learning experience every
time you have to pick yourself up and open the dictionary. (Sorry, I kind of forgot the
day and age we're living in. . . I'm so old, I could die.) Either way, you get the point,
and just remember the obscure words only exist to make you a smarter person.
It's really amazing you say all these things, because it was a toss-up between you
and another reviewer. I spent more time than I should have between you both, and
before I was going to click the green button, I immediately switched to hit the green
button on your contact and so, I guess karma turns up the winning hand.
I love your words in Character Analysis - "There must be a thorough explanation of the
childhood life of the character." If you promise to stick around, then I promise to reveal
unto you, what I've been told is one of, if not the most. . . Well, I won't spoil it for you,
and I certainly won't blow my own horn. Just know that chapter 32 has a way of
changing its readers forever. (In a good way, of course)
In a way yes, and in a way no; the character’s self-realization, brought upon by panic,
would always be contributed by the weed. Not only does it open one's eyes, but it
causes one to reflect both the good and the bad equally. (For me it was usually bad)
PACE AND FLOW - Wow, you are certainly on the right track, but no,
this chapter has yet to connect any of the pieces in terms of moving fast.
Now, I'm excited to unveil for you the second chapter!
LANGUAGE - Indeed, I have configured a degree of wordplay into this novel, because it
is my one and only book, and there will never be another. Truthfully, the wordplay doesn't
actually begin until chapter 2. Either way, I think you are going to truly appreciate it. Once
you have a command over those obscure words, then the rest falls into place like clockwork.
SENSITIVITY - The violence that occurs, occurs in my mind in chapter 12.
Not to offend the reader, but to merely show the reader that the medieval age
of torture that has long since passed has been awakened, and is haunting
the protagonist who is struggling to not think of such madness.
DIALOGUE WRITING - Solely for the audience in Ch 1.
GRAMMAR/SYNTAX - Q) Is it really necessary to make the statements or lines complicated?
A) Only in the case of this one particular novel, where the author is to distinguish himself from
the multitude of writers who follow each other like mindless zombies.
ENDING - Indeed, you are more perceptive than 90% of society, and I admire that.
Is it safe to assume you will stay the course until the final chapter? (I would like to
think so) Just know that I reside in the past, for that is where my heart is; even
though I've overcome the battle. Even though I've won the war.
I will contact you before Monday with Chapter 2.
Sincerely,
Chas Pen
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This review was posted on Mar/26/22
piya05's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Reader Report
Beta Reader's Report by Piya (piya05)
I would like to start with complimenting your writing and I don't find
any major grammatical errors, that is a big complement to a writer for
his first draft. But there are a few things you could work on.
1. In writing many writers make this mistake where they don't understand
the difference between under explaining and over explaining. I understand
you want to set a scene, but sometimes a little glimpse of the surrounding
is enough to paint a picture in your first chapter, there are many instances
where I felt that there is too much explaining of the surrounding. Which
can bore the reader especially if it's the first chapter.
2. Also there are many instances in your book, where there is too much of info
dump. I understand that you want to give depth to your character by explaining
about his past. But it's not required to do everything in first chapter. Especially
there is too much info dump in first few pages. The chapter gets interesting only
after page 5. Maybe you can work on a little bit editing in the first 5 pages.
3. Dear writer, there are some instances in your book that are illogical and breaks
the story for example, when he goes to the refrigerator to get ice strays and then
randomly goes inside a dream. Though it sounded nice, it does not happen in reality
and thou the book is friction a little bit of reality can give the book great depth.
4. Aprat from these, i absolutely loved book especially the marijuana instant
and other parts were also interesting though I would suggest to not randomly
add flash backs back to back in the first chapter. It confuses the reader.
I would rate the first chapter 3/5 and hoping to read the upcoming chapters
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This review was posted on Apr/4/22
Hubiera's review of chapter 1 - Upon waking eyes
Your story is really fascinating and will keep readers intact to continue reading.
Your story need to have more fun for all genders and must not be restricted for
specific age group or gender and its must strict to it original theme. Further my
advise is that it was a bit slow going and it should be in a bit fast track because
in chapter 1 you have covered too little time and events. Few Suggestions. . .
1. Story Character needs to be explained in detailed e.g all readers knows that you
are the story teller but you have not told about your age, looks, interests.. Reader must
know this from the vary start of the story. You need to explain each character briefly.
2. Use of simple phrases rather than difficult vocabulary. Your story /novel will be
read by the viewer round to globe, so it need to be in more easy language to attract
more viewers otherwise many will left reading the novel if its difficult to understand.
At start of your novel your main focus was on using phrases rather than building a
perfect scene (need to focus on story in much easy tongue)
3. Story need to be on a bit fast track. You were going too slow. Audience always
looking for more drama and scenery in a little time. You were lagging behind.
I don't know if you will like my review or not but its actually what I observed and may
be many of the reader pertains to my region will agree with me. Anyhow everyone has
its own opinion and maybe you will not agree with me. So you need to keep going the
way you like and many will like your style too. Keep up the nice work. Can I continue
with you in chapter 2 caz i really want to know what's hitting next.
Hubaiba (^_-)
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This review was posted on Apr/5/22
aid_aid's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Reader Report
Beta Reader's Report by Astuti
1. This morning I woke up looks better
2. “A tingling sensation crawled up my spine, alerting me to the fact that someone
had broken into the house and was hiding in the basement. An eeriness I could not
quite define led to a sense of dread. I thought I heard something and realized I had to
move fast. Don't know why, but I’ve always had a dreaded fear of dark isolated places.”
Suggestion: usage of certain sound description will make the story reach deeper
imagination. Like “THUD!” A loud noise creeped in from a distance…
3. “Every step I took was filled with more anxiety than the next, and I just couldn't
get up there fast enough. In a way it felt as though something was behind me. Something
dark and dreadful that just wanted to leap out and see me cringe.”
An addition of body specifics to define the anxiety-like, my breath ran deep, my
hands sweat their way through the doorknob… adds to the content of your writing.
4. This jet-black herb with purple hairs… “hair” would be the right choice.
5. Overall review: a beautiful thought and a very rhetorical and poetic approach to complete
the sync of the thoughts the protagonist had in the story. The levelling descriptions spoke a lot
about the very designated lifelessness he felt and later when he got accustomed to living with
the kind of beauty that already existed beside him and in every walk of life seemed to compliment
the very aspect of beautiful thinking that the story attempts to preach.
6. The shift towards various plots is very smooth and I personally appreciate the linking
each transition has. The continued conveyance of the act of ‘sleeping mom’ and in the end,
the sweet addition, “does she even know I am up?” adds to the hear touching ending.
7. The title: the additional aspect I would like to make a comment on is that of the title
chosen for this story. The whole story suffices and sufficiently qualifies to be based on eyes
that have just woken up and the next time that they do go shut, they see the real meaning
of life they have had wondering for in the middle of the story. The part that sums up the
climax and also adds the aspect of pain and clicks of ruined wishes.
8. The particular description of weed and the process of rolling it, the description of things
around it is precise enough to have the reader link the intricacies of the delicate moment. the
moment of government legalizing weed is a thought needing more sensitive depiction. If you
could add to that, the scenic compilation would be much better than it already was.
Words from the author - Mr. Charles Pendelton to the lovely Mrs. Aida
1. This morning I "woke up" is a bit too commonplace for me. It's what the majority of young writer's
would type on a first draft, because they simply have no clue that there is another word they can use.
2. A tingling sensation crawled up my spine, alerting me to the fact that someone had broken
into the house and was hiding in the basement. An eeriness I could not quite define led to a
sense of dread. I thought I heard something and realized I had to move fast. It was the loud
clunking sound of our old oil burner, making it feel like an escapee from Willowbrook state
mental hospital had just pressed his back up against it in anger. Don't know why, but I’ve always
had a dreaded fear of dark isolated places. Fear of something popping out, not human, I guess.
3. Every step I took was filled with more anxiety than the next, and I just couldn't get up there fast enough.
As I was halfway up the stairs, my breathing became labored. In a way it felt as though something was
behind me. Something dark and dreadful that just wanted to leap out and see me cringe.
4. This jet-black herb with purple hair. . .
"We are never too young, neither are we ever too old, to learn from our mistakes and correct them."
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This review was posted on Apr/7/22
shivi_puri's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon Waking Eyes
Reader's Report by Shivi
The first chapter of this book takes you through the mind of a person
who is insanely high. If you’re someone who has never tried hard drugs
or experienced intoxication from weed and are curious to know what are
the after-effects, the first chapter will surely help you.
From this chapter, it is quite clear that the protagonist is in his middle or late
teenage years and is baffled with what he is going to do in his life. Ambition
is something that is not a part of his dictionary. He like where he is and wants
to stay in his high zone. The chapter also throws light on what goes inside a
human brain and how being high adds on to it. Delusion is something that is
a part of his life and he does not want to go the other way around.
If more attention is paid in this chapter, it also shows that the protagonist
is somewhat scared of going out in the real world and living the ‘traditional’,
‘normal’ life. He’d rather stay lost than ‘settle down’ according to society’s version.
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This review was posted on Apr/9/22
nehanegi1905 's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon Waking Eyes
Reader's Report by Neha
It was an absolute pleasure reading this chapter.
The first page is amazing to read as it flows quite perfectly for me to
understand everything that’s going on in the scene and what the boy is
experiencing. I really liked how you built up his character in this chapter
through incidences happening around him and thoughts of his imagination.
While reading I felt at some places the transition between the two (real-life
incidences and thoughts) was a bit random and it interrupted the flow of
reading and the creation of the scene in my head. Like I was imagining the
whole situation but the writing quickly enters into another part which kind of
breaks my flow. I strongly felt this in the freezer part where the boy is talking
about the ice trays and then suddenly enters into a dream. I guess that transition
can be made a little smoother for the reader to naturally accept the fact that the
boy entered into a dream while standing right in front of the freezer.
The second place where I felt this transition was a little harsh was in the scene
including Mr. Tannenbaum. In my opinion, that scene could have been closed in
a better way for the reader to not feel startled by the sudden change from Mr. T
to legalizing marijuana. From the bamboo rolling paper part, the writing flows
like absolute butter. One thought after the other aligned in perfect order.
Absolutely beautiful writing there.
This world could break your heart. It could shatter your dreams, and
it can torture your soul, but sometimes it can almost make you smile.
This little part right here left so many emotions stirring up inside
me and left a weird smile on the outside. Very very special.
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This review was posted on Apr/10/22
Tayyaba17's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon Waking Eyes
Reader's Report by Tayyaba Rehman
‘A personal commitment to bear the agonies of life!’
WOW.
Read the first chapter of the book and it seems like this book is a solid
explication of life experiences. The book will grasp you emotionally as
the writer is narrating important life instances, the story starts when a
young man loses hope and direction in life and ends up in the darkness.
In this phase of life, he illustrates how one tries to silence one’s emotions
with isolation or drugs. He is allowing hallucination and suffering to invade
his life. But on the other side, he is also desperately hoping for the hand
that can drag him out of that darkness.
Looking outside the room window, he is wondering if the dawn of day would
bring some reason for him to be alive and productive for the rest of his life.
People around him denied his individuality, solely accepted their prejudiced |
ideas of what he was and eventually stopped meeting him at all.
Filled with illusions, pain and pessimism the writer is trying to find the meaning
of life. Questioning the purpose of living in this eerie world where so many things
are out of order, nature ultimately provided him with some hope to live on.
This story seems like a testament to living, experiencing and then overcoming
the pain. It elaborates that all the experiences we face in our lives are to improve
and transform us. The writer opted for the realistic approach explaining the facts
of life we do not want to embrace or acknowledge. Adding the aesthetic value and
suspense to his story, his book attracts me to instantly jump to the next chapter.
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This review was posted on Apr/11/22
kanchanninawe's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon Waking Eyes
Reader's Report by kanchan Ninawe
To begin with the start of the chapter, there is a detailed and intricate
description of the dawn and the sunrise and the timelytransition as well,
which is beautifully explained.
Apart from that the beginning pages are not as catchy as it could have
been. I think that is because the flow of that portion is not so continuous.
The latter part of the chapter is quite appealing and has good flow too.
At the end the character feels like a butterfly emerging out of a cocoon.
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This review was posted on Apr/11/22
aneelaiftikhar1's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon Waking Eyes
Reader's Report by aneela
First of all, I want to say that you are a very good writer, in fact perfect.
• You are very good in writing any situation and any scene, the way you have
started the chapter is amazing, you haven’t missed even a single detail of
anything. The way you portray each thing each feeling in this chapter is in
creditable. It seems that we are watching this whole scene with our eyes.
• At start I was not getting story line at all, but slowly slowly things are getting
clearer, according to me first chapter of any book is very important because
reader will decide whether he will continuous or not. In this chapter you have
introduced some characters of story. Then you have introduced the fear of him,
the fear of dark, that is haunting him from his childhood. By introducing this thing,
you have connected the reader with your story, because he will surely think that
what had happened to him, or what is the reason of his fear. Are there any roots
in his childhood or his step father is the reason of this?
• One thing which I found a bit problematic is the vocabulary, don’t you thing that
you have used a little bit difficult vocabulary. For natives there is no problem but
for non-natives, it seems to be a difficult chapter.
• The end of the chapter is very beautiful, you have shown internal conflict of
the main character. On one side he is totally pessimist like when he said:
Why am I alive?
What is my purpose in life?
It was clear, I didn't have one.
In truth, the only mistake I ever made in this inexorable life was being born.
And on the other hand, he has some desires to live life at full. And have hopes,
I really liked the way when this desire is connected with the rising sun.
The ray of hope.
• You are very good in dialogue writing; I would really want to read
dialogues with characters in this story. I really like this sentence.
This world could break your heart. It could shatter your dreams, and
it can torture your soul, but sometimes it can almost make you smile.
• You have researched a lot before writing this chapter, you are very clear
with the information, you have even written about utensils... remarkable!!
• Overall you are successful in creating the suspense element which will connect your reader
with you writing. After reading this chapter one will surely thinks that what had happened
to him, is his mother or step father is responsible for his agony and pains. Or he had been
bullied in childhood, is there any domestic or sexual harassment in his life?
Why he is not happy?
Or is he betrayed by some loved one?
Why the main character is so sensitive?
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This review was posted on Apr/13/22
sianiesl's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon Waking Eyes
Reader's Report by Siani
First of all, I would like to express my appreciation for you allowing me to read
your novel. It was an absolute honor to read your writing, and I am very grateful
for the given opportunity. You are clearly a very talented writer, and I hope you
find my opinions and points of your first chapter helpful and informative.
Readability of Chapter 1.
In other words, how quickly did I read the chapter,
how much did I enjoy it, and where did it drag?
The first chapter was very easy to read, and flowed effortlessly into each paragraph.
Every line was filled with beautiful and powerful descriptive terms. I very much enjoyed
the concept, and I felt like the first chapter was written in a very unique way, it was incredibly
refreshing to read, and I very much enjoyed the journey it took me on. Chapter 1 was very
personal, and gave me a deeper understanding of the character. I don't feel like any part of
the chapter dragged, it was well paced with a necessary amount of detail and description.
Reader’s opinion.
As a reader, what did I think of your plot, your characters, and your writing style?
The first chapter was very engaging, it grabbed my attention immediately. The way in which the
morning was written was incredibly picturesque and scenic. You included a large amount of
adjectives to paint an image of what the main character sees and feels at that precise moment,
and although we do not know a great deal about them, we know enough to get an understanding
of their nature, a glimpse into who they are, a peek hole into their soul and inner person.
The main character seems like a intelligent being, full of wonder and insight into the world.
From the brief glimpse of life through their eyes, I can tell that they have a unique outlook,
the world seems so beautiful and tranquil, yet the character is filled with pain and suffering.
It was almost ironic.
I cannot fully advise on the plot as the first chapter did not give a great deal away, this is mainly
for completed novels, however I will add that after reading this chapter, I was indeed captivated
by your writing style, the unique point of view, and the content within. This chapter was very
attention grabbing and leaving me craving more.
Positives and negatives. What about your book did I love or hate?
As a reader, I felt as if I was submerged into a dream, which wasn't quite a dream. As if I were
underwater, occasionally rising to the top for air, and plunged back under a blanket of ocean. I
wasn't too sure from when our main character drifted away into his dream to when this had ended.
I felt like the character was full of self doubt. They felt little of themselves, and their opinion was
cemented by their families remarks and comments. This, along with the precise and intricate
describing's of their smoking habits, I made the assumption that this character was perhaps a
little misunderstood, but lacked motivation, structure and purpose. They seemed to enjoy the
company of their mother, but not so much their step-father. This made the character related,
likeable and yet distance and mysterious. I immediately wanted to connect with them, and try
to dig deeper into their consciousness to gauge a better understanding of their life.
I did feel as though the character changed their mind a little quickly in regards to wanting to end
their suffering and take their life. The way in which their decision on wanting to leave this earth
was very touching and elegantly written, so much so that I felt very saddened when reading.
I personally didn't connect with the change of heart which came immediately after. Perhaps
this was a consequence of the THC, subduing their desire quickly, and making their mind
more alterable. This for me was the only negative point within the chapter, but I did not feel
like it was a major issue, just something that stuck out in my mind.
Subsequent discussion of your manuscript.
Over all I enjoyed reading your first chapter, I can already tell your novel will be gracefully
written, with intense and alluring content. Aside from the one negative point raised, I have no
other comments regarding this chapter, there were no grammar or spelling mistakes I noticed
when reading, and felt like the chapter was perfectly balanced as an opening to a novel.
All the best,
Siani
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Indu is my official editor - Apr/16/22
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This review was posted on Apr/25/22
sidrahumar120's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon Waking Eyes
Reader's Report by Sidrah Umar
FIRST IMPRESSION - What was your overall take on the chapter after reading it.
I loved reading the first chapter. The entire time I wanted to go
on and turn the next page to know what is happening next.
CHAPTER OPENING - Do you like the wording used? Do you want to keep reading?
Are you excited to turn the page?
Yes! Absolutely! It kept my interest in turning the next page to know what is
going to happen next. And I loved how the setting is described which gave
me a clear picture and I could imagine how in actual the things would be.
CHARACTER ANALYSIS - Did you find the character(s) too imaginative, or descriptive?
Are they exciting or boring in this chapter?
I find all the characters descriptive and their conversation with other people, like under
*I was with them but refused to smoke* part, where John jumps up and reaches under
his bed, which was just a mattress on the floor. He runs out into the street with a fully
pumped pellet gun and blows the side window out of his Nova. And then how Paul
shouted at him….” This gave me actual description and imagination of how everything
would have gone by. However, I look forward to more exiting characters and story build up.
PACE AND FLOW - Was it too fast/slow? Does it move smoothly, or is it rough and choppy?
Did you feel lost at all?
Honestly, I felt it was a bit slow. Since for every introduction of character/event,
the setting and background was introduced a bit much which is good as it gave
me (as a reader) to know more about how it all happened in background but
that kept the pace a bit slow. But I did not feel lost at all!
LANGUAGE - Do you like the way the writer plays with words? Do you feel that he knows
what he is doing? Do you think those obscure words help or hurt the story? Do you think
readers can learn something from it?
Yes, the choice of words used to describe the situation was amazing! The readers can
learn how to start by introducing the setting background, introducing the character,
building up the story and keeping the pace along so the readers do not feel lost.
SENSITIVITY - Is there anything that offended you?
Are you offended by the illicit substances conveyed in this chapter?
NO!
DIALOGUE WRITING - Do you enjoy the narration of the author?
Was the message delivered in a clear and thoughtful manner?
Yes! The conversation narrated along with author message was clear
to me like I could understand where the reader was taking the story.
However, suspense was there which was the best part!!
PLOT/CONSISTENCY - Was the plot on point? Do you like where it is going?
Yes, it’s interesting however I am eager to read more to see what’s going to happen next.
SETTING/DESCRIPTION - Is it fine the way the author described his surroundings?
Should more attention be paid to detail?
No, I think the write did a perfect job in telling and describing the surroundings. However,
if he describes more then I think it would put much more emphasis on the background
rather than the story itself. And because of that the reader will be lost in between.
GRAMMAR/SYNTAX - Does the wording confuse you? Does the
writing excite you, even though it doesn't entirely make sense?
No, it wasn’t confusing to me.
FAVORITE QUOTES/PASSAGES - Did anything the writer stand out?
Were there any sentences/phrases that impressed you?
Yes, the part where is says: And nothing on earth would ever be able to alter my own inevitable
and tragic fate. I then realized, that if I did leave this place in the manner to which I was referring,
I was only going to end up in another place of equal or greater torment; a plateau where I would
be equally confounded and besides, I made a promise to a very dear friend a long time ago.
A personal commitment to withstand the agonies of life…
I just loved this part a bit to my soul as I did experience something like this in my life.
This part made me a bit teary eye! 
OVERALL THOUGHTS/ENDING - How do you feel on an emotional level?
Did it make you want to turn the page or close it?
Yes!! Loving it and cannot wait to go ahead and read more on
how things are going to unfold and how the story goes along.
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This review was posted on May/4/22
apoorvasonavane's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1
Reader's Report by Apoorva Sonavane
FIRST IMPRESSION –
The first part of the chapter felt a bit abrupt and confusing but as the story progressed,
the character was immersive and the story got clearer. I got a little lost in between but
soon picked the story again as they started talking about their friends and family.
CHAPTER OPENING -
I liked the opening and it hooked me with it’s description.
The description of his family and house was a good beginning according to me.
Also I thought that the beginning signified his dark thoughts therefore the writer
mention it as twilight – the hour of the defeated kind.
CHARACTER ANALYSIS -
The character seems to be in a haze and hallucinating for the most chapter.
Their emotions were well delivered with the dash of their imaginative mystery
making a mundane task of taking ice much more interesting. The character
also later went somber giving us details of what they were doing which was
helpful to understand them. The characters struggle of not fitting in and being
the sore thumb of the family was really touching.
PACE AND FLOW -
The pace is smooth and it was a good ride throughout the chapter. Though I felt
a bit lost in a couple of paragraphs like when he was dreaming in the beginning
of being in a colder place. Otherwise, the story had a good pace.
LANGUAGE -
The vocabulary of the story is intermediate. Sometimes the reader has to read the
sentence twice to understand it but also it can be differently depicted in the second
reading. The reader can definitely learn a lot about different substance and understand
their nature, the author has given a good description of their history.
SENSITIVITY -
The chapter should have had tags in the beginning as: mentions of substance or use
of substance. This can give the reader a better idea of what they are venturing into and
if they are not comfortable, they could skip it. As a reader without any background of
substance, the first time reading of the things used was a bit confusing but as we went
ahead, we got a good picture.
DIALOGUE WRITING -
The characters narrative was pretty detailed and it showed the reader
what the character was feeling while he was doing the task. We could
see their emotions being portrayed in the writing.
PLOT/CONSISTENCY -
The plot was a little long but consistent. It could be edited more to make
a tight draft of things. The plot was also good starting with dark phases
of the night and ending on the hopeful note towards the end.
SETTING/DESCRIPTION -
The surrounding and descriptions were detailed.
They gave a good view of the surroundings.
GRAMMAR/SYNTAX -
There were a couple of confusing words for me as I was not familiar with
substances but they were clearly given meaning to as the story progressed.
FAVORITE QUOTES/PASSAGES –
“More than anything, I wanted to see a butterfly. I wanted to see it land in a
flower and leave with something more than it came with. To watch it fly around
for no apparent reason before disappearing into the ceiling of the morning sky,
the same as I will do one day. But that day is no longer upon me.”
“For some of us, it's easier not to do anything but continue
going through all the motions we've grown accustomed to. ”
OVERALL THOUGHTS/ENDING –
The end was hopeful and it made me want to read the story further.
I think it a very well written piece. It shows the different stages of the
characters life in small parts and also his vivid imagination.
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This review was posted on May/16/22
iqrabashir871 's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon waking eyes
Reader's Report by Iqra
While reading the chapter 1, the only thing appeared in my mind was’ birth
from dying hope’. No doubt, the writer has described everything beautifully.
Indeed, the selection of words is absolutely perfect. The chapter is showcasing
the thoughts of writer. Writing your opinions with such detail is nothing less
than a magic. It takes a lot of effort. Not everyone can remember and write the
emotions with such authenticity.
In my opinion, the universe in itself is a motivation for the people.
Regardless of your current situation, it gives you hope. There is always a beautiful
morning after night. The magical glory of morning is an absolute insight of hope.
However, to get that hope a person must have to find it by himself. What I liked about
the chapter is ‘motivation’. The way he found he found a way to live is pretty impressive.
In order to understand the whole script, you need to read the whole story. While I was
reading that chapter, I found a lot of things to count on. The emotions and thoughts of
writer regarding the events were written nicely. Indeed, the way of writing was more
attractive than the actual story. The writer has included even the most tiny details.
It makes your writings distinct from others.
Sentence structure: It was absolutely perfect! However, it would be the best
if you try to use ‘I’ less. The beginning of sentences with repetitive words
like ‘I’ can affect the charm of story.
Flow & Tone: The tone of writer is also fine.
Grammar: There were no grammatical errors found which is great!
Suggestions: It has been written beautifully.
You can publish it without giving any second thoughts.
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This review was posted on May/16/22
krithika2001 's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon waking eyes
Reader's Report by Krithika Ravi
This report is to give you a summary of my thoughts while reading your novel.
I’ll begin with my overall thoughts and conclude by answering your questions.
Opening :
• A basic opening, by simply describing the feel of dawn and something usual
that happens in all households. Though, the way it was described, was good.
• In my opinion, I would say the opening did not give any ideas or predictions
of the next scenario. It made me curious to know how the story actually begins
and made me continue. Though, some might find it very basic.
Characterization :
• Protagonist –
It was greatly portrayed. As of the first chapter, it is understandable that he is a
depressed teen, very frustrated and appears as an overthinker. It shows that he
gets anxious and is afraid of dark/empty places. He is also constantly regretting
the decisions he has made. He feels lonely, suicidal and has a great imagination.
And it shows that he is secretly trying to toke marijuana. His overall character is
so far, gloomy.
• Ramon – The stepfather
As far as I understand, the relationship between the protagonist and his stepfather
is slightly okay. Here minisced an old conversation occurred between the two of
them, meanwhile he also consoles himself knowing that his stepfather is far away.
So it is undecidable.
• Mother, Mr. Tannenbaum, Cousin Patricia , Uncle Sam, John, Paul and a very
dear friend– they were mentioned only in one or few places yet remain mysterious
to the readers.
Plot & Conflict :
The first chapter describes a day in the life of a depressed teen who is trying to toke
marijuana without getting caught to his parents, meanwhile having thoughts of ending
his life. The conflict is Man vs Self - between the teen vs himself also known as internal
conflict where the character faces mixed emotions over his actions or decisions he has
made. This conflict takes place in the mind of the protagonist and focuses more on his
psychological struggles.
I want to know why you either like it or dislike it?
To be honest, I could not decide whether to fully like it or should I wait till the end.
But so far, I must say,I am excited to read the next chapter. I feel like it creates a
curiosity of knowing what could possibly happen in the teenager’s life that could
be a breaking point.
Favourite quotes, if any.
I have several favourite quotes from this chapter.
• ‘it's easier not to do anything but continue going
through all the motions we've grown accustomed to.’
• ‘This world could break your heart. It could shatter your dreams,
and it can torture your soul, but sometimes it can almost make you smile.’
• ‘Why am I alive? What is my purpose in life? It was clear, I didn't have one’
• ‘Because my destiny has already been written in blood and sealed with human flesh.’
• ‘I knew right then and there that I wanted to live.
I wanted to live so dearly and bask in each moment.’
How different is it from other works you’ve read?
It is most probably the first time that I am reading an upmarket fiction which
directly starts by showing that the protagonist has psychologically struggles.
So, I am excited to see his character development.
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This review was posted on June/1/22
Alysorrow's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon waking eyes
Reader's Report by Aly Sorrow
Hello,
Thank you so much for the opportunity to take a look at the first chapter
of The Embryo Man and Other Tales. It was a really interesting opening,
and I’m definitely curious where the story goes from here.
I know that starting the first chapter with the main character waking up can be
kind of controversial but I generally find this to be fairly grounding. There’s a fine
line between cliche and comfort, both in writing and in prescriptive writing advice.
Writers are frequently advised against opening a piece through waking up, while
being told that they need to establish what an ordinary day looks like before
everything gets weird. I think you did a really neat job of almost combining those
two thoughts and flipping it on its head. Your character is waking up to another
day but, stylistically, things are already weird.
Your style and word/turn-of-phrase choice is probably the strongest thing about
this chapter. Although I don’t yet feel like I know the main character enough to
connect with him, by the end of the chapter I’m hooked to the narration and willing
to follow it wherever it takes me. That being said, it did take me a second to get
used to. I stumbled over some of the language at first. I got kind of tripped up on
“twilight of sunrise” but that phrase also really made me realize what I was getting
into stylistically and helped me embrace it pretty quickly.
My favorite example of the language being extremely interesting not for the sake
of being interesting but to really reflect the character’s inner world is probably: “As
I sat in my bedroom buzzing, I began to think of how small it was in comparison to
other bedrooms with a much larger circumference. Like “twilight of sunrise” it initially
feels wrong—it’s obvious and redundant and would make me go duh in real life—
but in that moment, it’s resoundingly true. However, the single, initial use of “Mom”
(as opposed to “Mother” being used in every subsequent reference) threw me off.
I’m not sure why in all the voice-y oddness that’s
the part my brain decided to get hung up on.
Along with the linguistic style, I feel like the pacing really seems to reflect the narrator’s
inner world and workings. The pondering and meandering feels both as if it could be
coming from him naturally or from the substance he’s consuming. The drug is intriguing
and I’m definitely interested in finding out more about it. I’m also very curious about the
friend that the narrator promised to live.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t place specific author connection. Trying to do so made me
realize how much I slipped into really only reading escapism during the pandemic
and has definitely reminded me that I need to re-broaden my reading horizons.
Again, thank you so much for sharing this chapter with me. If you have any follow-up
questions or specific areas you’d like me to speak on, let me know. Please reach out
with any questions or concerns. It was a joy to read your work!
Best,
AS
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This review was posted on Jun/7/22
Sanah_writes' review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon waking eyes
Reader's Report by Sanah
I have reviewed the chapter as per the point mentioned.
FIRST IMPRESSION - What was your overall take on the chapter after reading it.
- Going through the first chapter, I really liked how it began but it just
kept on going downhill from there for me. Luckily I got a little hopeful at the
end and understood what the author meant when he mentioned that it is/was
just a beginning. Really hope the story/plot gets interesting going forward.
CHAPTER OPENING - Do you like the wording used? Do you
believe it is uniquely different from everything else out there?
- I didn’t feel the writing style was unique or different from anything else
I have read before although there was alluring word play which is necessary
in a memoir for it to not turn off the reader or make the book boring.
CHARACTER ANALYSIS - Did you find the character(s) too imaginative,
or descriptive? Are they exciting or boring in this chapter?
- I belong to place where mostly everybody has really strict parents and
live a sheltered life (myself included) but I am aware of drug/marijuana usage
amongst teenagers and the teenage self of the narrator in this chapter was
believable and not too overtly imaginative albeit a bit boring for my liking.
But I hope there’s character development further in the story.
PACE AND FLOW - Was it too fast/slow? Does it move smoothly,
or is it rough and choppy? Did you feel lost at all?
- I felt the pace was a bit too fast for it being only the first chapter. They narrator
went from being suicidal to hopeful in a matter of a few pages(1-2 maybe). I would have
liked if there was something that bound me or even made me remote empathetic to the
character’s inner turmoil or trauma. I would have also liked if there was more information
about how the narrator got to the point of losing hope in life. I couldn’t separate reality from
the dream or past to present and I just lost connection. The time squence needs work.
SENSITIVITY - Is there anything that offended you in any way?
- Nothing offensive about the language or the words used. Although if the author
decides to put non discreet words that are deemed to and come to think of as
inappropriate they must put a warning so as to not misguide younger audiences.
DIALOGUE WRITING - Do you enjoy the narration of the author?
Was the message delivered in a clear and thoughtful manner?
- I did enjoy the narration but it needed to be more clear and precise. I was able to understand
what the author was trying to convey. But unfortunately couldn’t understand the message.
PLOT/CONSISTENCY - Was the plot on point? Do you like where it is going?
- Reading this chapter definitely made me curious and made me want to read further.
It had an intriguing start and would like to know where the story/plot goes from hereon.
SETTING/DESCRIPTION - Is it fine the way the author described his surroundings?
Should more or less attention be paid to detail?
- The description of the narrator’s physical surrounding was fine but I wanted more information
about the people around him like for example his mother, step-father and uncle. I am sure there’s
more information about to come in the following chapters about them but I would’ve liked to know
more about those characters especially since there were introduced in the very first chapter itself.
GRAMMAR/SYNTAX - Does the wording confuse you? Does the writing
excite you, even though it doesn't entirely make sense at times?
- Sincerely speaking there were small segments were I felt totally detached to the story and
couldn’t make sense of anything like the dream sequence for example or maybe there was sense
in those words but my brain couldn’t process. Any which way I felt they was something missing there
FAVORITE QUOTES/PASSAGES - Did anything the writer convey stand out?
Were there any sentences/phrases that impressed you?
- Seeing as there’s mention of Suicide or suicidal thoughts in this book the author needs to take
upmost care into writing anything about it as it is a very sensitive topic and could possibly Did trigger
readers. I liked the author’s narration of finding possible hope like beaming sunlight through his
bedroom window or something similar. Again beautiful wordplay like I mentioned before.
OVERALL THOUGHTS/ENDING - How do you feel on an emotional level?
Did reading this chapter make you want to turn the page or close it?
- Reading this chapter I didn’t find myself getting emotional but I wanted to
when it ended but it just didn’t happen for me. I think I need just a little backstory
into the character’s life. Maybe then idk. I would definitely want to read it further.
I hope you find my feedback on this first chapter helpful and
can contribute to its growth to its best potential. Best of luck!
Sincerely,
Sanah
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This review was posted on Jun/19/22
Iqrawarriach418's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 1 - Upon waking eyes
Reader's Report by Dr. Iqra
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This review was posted on Jan/22/23
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This review was posted on Jan/22/23
Reviewed by yashodha_95
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This review was posted on Feb/10/23
Reviewed by andreamircheska
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This review was posted on Feb/11/23
Reviewed by zuma_the_pro
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This review was posted on Feb/14/23
Reviewed by nicollecastano
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This review was posted on Feb/14/23
Reviewed by dilanaserbetci
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This review was posted on Feb/15/23
Reviewed by mahaghazi
The title immediately gives you a vibe of Stephen King’s eccentric novels.
The main character’s ramblings are composed out of nature of his day
dreaming and weed consumption. Only that he finds solace in doing
pot so that he can indulge into his mind’s unknown territory.
His mind overpowers the reality around him, he’s overactive imaginations,
he ponders over life and afterlife till the depth where no answer forms and
the uncertainty of it seems to be his doom.
At times due to his imaginations, he seemed to have concluded without reasoning
that he has an imminent enemy, who have sworn to be after him forever. Which
theories that that’s no greater evil or danger to a person than his own mind.
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This review was posted on Feb/15/23
Reviewed by gwheeler2019
C
L
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This review was posted on Feb/24/23
Reviewed by umnasalah
While this is just the beginning of the story, there is a lot in it that I
can relate to. For starters, the fear of dark. The writer beautifully
talks about their and in many cases, our daily thoughts that we have
never pondered over ourselves until now when I have seen them
penned down. The part where the writer talks about legalizing weed
is my favorite because the frustration related to it is just so on point.
The pessimism speaks to me on a much deeper level. Overall,
I think the chapter talks about our much-generalized daily
routine with the hopelessness and questioning.
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This review was posted on Mar/10/23
Reviewed by hinaspatel
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This review was posted on Mar/10/23
Reviewed by jgmacleod
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This review was posted on Mar/12/23
Reviewed by tl8858
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This review was posted on Mar/14/23
Reviewed by sarah1409
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This review was posted on Mar/14/23
Reviewed by chelseaburdick
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This review was posted on Mar/15/23
Reviewed by angeilaaaaa
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This review was posted on Mar/15/23
Reviewed by miskavlcejova
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This review was posted on Mar/15/23
Reviewed by sheilamgr
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This review was posted on Mar/16/23
Reviewed by qeilisha
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This review was posted on Mar/26/23
Reviewed by a_lost_comet
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This review was posted on Mar/30/23
Reviewed by aamnaaaa
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This review was posted on Mar/31/23
Reviewed by kripasajo
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This review was posted on Apr/9/23
Reviewed by uzmafaridi
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This review was posted on Apr/15/23
Reviewed by pazkou
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This review was posted on Apr/16/23
Reviewed by samanthaglendo
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This review was posted on Apr/18/23
Reviewed by afrinjahan11
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This review was posted on Apr/18/23
Reviewed by erika_stebbings
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This review was posted on Apr/18/23
Reviewed by juliaversep
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This review was posted on Apr/20/23
Reviewed by jaidis
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This review was posted on Apr/21/23
Reviewed by rupalrao
RR
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This review was posted on Apr/23/23
Reviewed by labia_1903
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This review was posted on Apr/27/23
Reviewed by tawhida560
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This review was posted on Apr/28/23
Reviewed by krishnakeshav33
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This review was posted on May/2/23
Reviewed by indre_b
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Reviewed by aabha_nair - May/5/23
Using MS Word with ideas and corrections applied in red.
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Reviewed by salehazaina - May/5/23
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This review was posted on May/7/23
Reviewed by nusratjahan603
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This review was posted on May/20/23
Reviewed by miha_reads
 MR
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This review was posted on May/31/23
Reviewed by lajeenzoya
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This review was posted on Jun/2/23
Reviewed by shumaya
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This review was posted on Jun/13/23
Reviewed by ruchidave97
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This review was posted on Jul/14/23
Reviewed by Nirjana and Jakir
NJ
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This review was posted on Jul/26/23
Reviewed by ramshabaloch101
I just finished reading your manuscript and I don't think I am even qualified
enough to comment on it. It is sheer perfection from start to finish. From a
reader's perspective, it makes one experience all the range of emotions.
It starts out calm and tranquil to get one in a state of imaginativeness and feel
as if they are experiencing each moment as the words unfold into it. Although
it was a very short insight into the actual book, everything fell into place. There
were very certain details that in the beginning I thought were unnecessary,
however having read it to the very end it changed my perspective entirely.
It was meaningful and engaging without being too intense. I thoroughly enjoyed
reading every bit.'Destiny has already been written in blood and sealed with human
flesh' was the most striking line. It felt as if Oscar Wilde himself had written it. I
feel rejuvenated having read that very small section of your book alone.
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This review was posted on Aug/1/23
Reviewed by sampriktaada813
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This review was posted on Sep/26/23
Reviewed by ritikagoyal587
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This review was posted on Oct/4/23
Reviewed by nandi_h
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This review was posted on Oct/7/23
Reviewed by shaima_khan1
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This review was posted on Nov/13/23
Reviewed by namra
NR
5/5 Rating
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This review was posted on Nov/19/23
Reviewed by halie
w
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This review was posted on Dec/17/23
Reviewed by karyl_b
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MA
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This review was posted on Dec/22/23
Reviewed by mariya_567
M 
Rating 3/5
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This review was posted on Dec/31/23
Reviewed by craftopia
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This review was posted on Jan/1/24
Reviewed by adeeba
Review of chapter 1 by Adeeba_21
Hello Charles!
First of all, thank you! Just for finding me capable enough to beta read
something that is so meaningful for you. I cannot be any more grateful.
Now, as you wished for an unbiased review and ratings, I shall state my opinions as such:
Let's start with the positives. I absolutely loved pages 11 and 12. I re-read it several times
and was in awe of how beautifully you portrayed hope in a state of agony. As if, in every
cell of our existence, we inevitably hope, even when we are sure of embracing the worst.
The words were magnificent!
Indeed, there are also specific passages and statements throughout the chapter that are crafted
beautifully. Statements like, "I was disenchanted by life redundancies. So I chose a way out."
"Somewhere out in the elliptical mesosphere of the mind, a door that had been locked for so
many years gradually began to open, and I could have never imagined the outcome."
They are wonderful!
Moreover, passages like "This world could break your heart. It could shatter your dreams,
and it can torture your soul, but sometimes it can almost make you smile."
"As fragments of thoughts spun around in my head, they created a picture of things to come."
"This profound melancholy welling up from within my spirit began eating into my brain
like an infection, and I could not stop it."
Love them!
Now, let's come to my personal opinion where I felt as if I wanted to hear more - I wanted
to know a little more about the main character's life and how his trajectory is moving or
has moved at the story's beginning. Although your vision of letting the readers imagine in
the first place indeed did its job, there was a slight wish to have a specific direction so that
the character's imagination was built more profoundly.
Also, a few lines made me re-read to connect with the flow because your words are captivating,
and hence, they grab most of your attention to a certain point. Suddenly, there is this passage
describing one small element, like the fear of darkness, thoughts about childhood life, remembering
cousin's words, etc. But hey, as I type now, I believe they allow you to feel the character and see his
various sides and perseverance in life situations. You imagine intensely and try to merge the character
with those little information breaks and reshape them. Well, this can be termed as an affirmation!
As such, that's all from my side.
If I were to rate it, I would give it 4/5 because, as a reader, I felt the character is magnificent and
thus wished for more personal information about him. But maybe that's what the author delivers!
The author leaves you in a state of "waiting to know more." Cheers to that, Charles!
Working with you again and learning more about the story
would be a delight. As you said, "We have just begun."
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This review was posted on Jan/6/24
Reviewed by aimanmengal3
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This review was posted on Jan/8/24
Reviewed by sababaloch292
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This review was posted on Feb/2/24
Reviewed by jayamalir234
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This review was posted on Mar/27/24
Reviewed by mycabajada
Chapter 1 sets the stage for the protagonist's morning routine and introduces various
elements of his life, including his family, surroundings, and inner thoughts. The writing
style is descriptive and introspective, giving a glimpse into the character's emotions
and mindset. The chapter also hints at a sense of unease and impending change,
creating intrigue for what may come next in the story. Overall, it paints a vivid picture
of the protagonist's world while leaving room for further exploration and development.
Overall, the chapter provides a strong start to the story.
However, here are a few suggestions for improvement:
1. Clarify the protagonist's age and background: While we get glimpses of the
protagonist's life, it would be helpful to have a clearer understanding of their
age and background early on. This will provide readers with more context and
help them connect with the character.
2. Streamline descriptions: While descriptive writing is important, there are instances
where the descriptions could be condensed or streamlined to maintain a smooth flow
of the narrative. Focus on key details that contribute to the atmosphere and emotions
without overwhelming readers with excessive information.
3. Develop character relationships: The chapter introduces several characters,
such as Charles' mother and stepfather, but their relationships with Charles
remain somewhat ambiguous. Adding more interactions or dialogue between
them can help establish their dynamics and enhance reader engagement.
These suggestions aim to enhance readability and further engage readers in your
story. Remember to consider your overall plot structure when making revisions to
ensure that each chapter contributes effectively to your narrative arc.
Rating: 3/5 - Good - I really enjoyed it
The opening scene drew me in immediately. The vivid descriptions
brought the setting to life, and I felt transported to another world.
Review: Chapter 1 sets a strong foundation for the story. The author's
attention to detail and descriptive writing style made it easy for me to
visualize the scenes. However, I felt that some parts were a bit slow-
paced and could benefit from more action or suspense. Overall, it was
an enjoyable start that left me curious about what would happen next.
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This review was posted on Apr/14/24
Reviewed by poesiha
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This review was posted on Jun/5/24
Reviewed by preety_mandal
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This review was posted on Jun/12/24
Reviewed by anamikayadav723
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This review was posted on Jun/24/24
Reviewed by swatigarg249
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This review was posted on Jun/28/24
Reviewed by theidlemind
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This review was posted on Jul/9/24
Reviewed by sarahbowmann
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This review was posted on Aug/7/24
Reviewed by kalpana_patel
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This review was posted on Aug/23/24
Reviewed by hooriaarhum
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PG 1) The persistence of memory by Salvador Dalí - http://www.virtualdali.com/
PG 1) An advertisement for George Washington's instant coffee (circa 1945) - http://www.georgewashingtoncoffee.com/
PG 1) Zombie by Gary Pullin - http://www.ghoulishgary.com/
PG 2) Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil by Frank C. Papé - http://tinyurl.com/oeerhvy
PG 2) Those crazy metal ice cube trays! - http://www.windblor.com/
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PG 3) Toxicity Inspector by Shepard Fairey - http://www.obeygiant.com/
PG 3) Poster advertising Bambú cigarette papers (Circa 1920) - http://www.bambu.com/
PG 3) The purple marijuana was extracted from a High Times article - http://www.hightimes.com/
PG 4) "Devil's Harvest" theatrical poster - http://www.devilsharvestimdb.com/
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PG 5) Untitled by Tomasz Alen Kopera - http://alenkopera.com/
PG 5) Moonlight sonata by Vladimir Kush - http://vladimirkush.com/
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