An evening with Dr. Doom


Who could ever forget that night, I thought? Me and John were hanging out with Joey
the Ant in his car. Joey was an unstable young man whom I befriended in kindergarten.
I had given him the nickname in second grade because he never ate anything, and he only
weighed about forty pounds; today he's like four of me and three of John! No one cared
much for him in school, and I seemed to be the only person who accepted him for who
he was. An overactive, obnoxious louse of a kid whose soul purpose in life it seemed
was to rattle everyone's nerves. He would later go on to become my greatest adversary.

Back then life was cherry pie, and the whole estate of my being pivoted on a
single glance in one direction. That was my motivation. My reason for being,
so to speak. Oh I would indeed find paradise, but at such a cost.

As it stands, John and I had just finished taking two hits each of green 'double dome'
mescaline, and it was creeping up on me like a spider. Joey had begun talking about
going into the service, and I knew that sooner or later it would revert into a nonsensical
topic. "That's the only place to go," he said, "where you can shoot people and get
away with it." Yeah I said, if you're unfortunate enough to go to war.



You should be thinking more about peace and less about war. "Fuck peace,"
he said outright. "I wanna massacre entire villages! There's nothing like waking up
in the morning and blowing somebody's brains out." What are you talking about said
John, you'd be running with your tail between your legs through the Mekong Delta
faster than the little gooks chasin' after you with the bamboo stick and the feather!

As a playful argument turned into a heated debate, I was becoming more and more
uncomfortable with the present situation. I felt like I was sitting on a powder keg
and the temperature was slowly beginning to rise.

Joey wore his traditional army fatigues and matching hat, yet for some strange reason
that I could not define, the outfit did not match his disposition. Neither did his mood
do anything but chastise. This man, I thought would be most suitable in traditional
prison garbs, for he best befits the profile of an unglorified serial killer! I then started
to think, Joey is not in the army, yet Joey looks as though he is going off to war. Would it
be any different if he donned a postal service uniform and was not working for them? I was
now earnestly trying to dispel the fact that I was in a car with someone who was wearing a
Halloween costume, only it was not Halloween and people were beginning to stare.

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*I then contemplated my thoughts and realized they were changing*

I knew it was the nature of the drug beginning to take effect, and so I immediately
disregarded it. We drove around the island for awhile before heading back to New Dorp
where we stopped off at Pizza Klown in the square. The animated head above the restaurant
appeared to be looking out over the eatery; scanning the town for someone, though I knew
not who. I felt like I was at an empty carnival. One that was deserted for it lacked the main
essentials needed to keep it operable. There was no circus music playing wildly to the sound
of screaming kids. No funhouse that emanated with the smell of wood and grease. No baseballs
hitting the canvas with fury or cotton candy. Ooooh, we needed that cotton candy!

Joey pulled in before maneuvering his car in reverse, so we were facing the restaurant.
Lovely, now everyone can see us sitting here as they come and go about their way.
What a horrible thought. I just wanted to crawl under the seat and die. Some jackass
decided to have a staring contest with me, and it soon felt as though I were under a
microscope. A speck of dirt or a piece of lint perhaps. All things considered, I was
definitely not feeling myself, but rather someone entirely different. With the onset
of the drug arriving like a fancy spaceship, and my heart slowly returning to normal
from an incident at the A&P, the evening was about to become interesting.

Joey was babbling about the alien movie, and so I paid him no heed for in my mind,
I was barely within earshot of this maniac. Even though he was sitting right next to me,
he was in a totally different sector than I was, and I wanted to keep it that way! Joey was
reveling in the gore and the monster coming out of the chest, and why oh why couldn't
he be in that ship to kill it? The pain in the ass was trying to make everyone sick.



He asked us if we wanted beer, and we said yes.
He asked us if we wanted to buy it, and we said no.

He then asked us a series of questions that were so ridiculously foolish they
had no relevancy being asked at all. Questions that were immediately dispelled as nonsense.
When he finally realized that we were in no way going to play his game, he looked at me as
a father would have, upon finding out that his very son had just been caught taking a shit
on the teacher's desk. He then turned and grumbled to himself, and it seemed as if he was
complaining to the steering wheel, which had nothing to say to him either.

If you're going to eat then go in and eat, I said.
I suppose he was indecisive about what he was going to do, because he just sat there mumbling.

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When he made the statement that he just wanted to sit there and watch the restaurant
for the remainder of the evening, John made a loud gasping sound in the back seat,
and I screamed aloud! I lost my cool with him, and that outburst made me feel as
though I'd done something horrendous. A monster had taken hold of me and was
now manipulating my emotions. To be perfectly honest, I didn't think it would go
away now that it had me. I wasn't sure it wanted to, but gradually it subsided to
peace. Joey then said he was thirsty and wanted beer. He also said since we didn't
have money, we wouldn't be getting any. In his own words as he put it, "Ya's got
no money, and I don't wanna be dry." Joey I felt like saying, you couldn't 'dry out'
if you sat in the middle of the Serengeti desert for two years, you fat fucking lummox!

First he wanted a souvlaki, but a black fellow walked in first so now he can't eat there
because the food is contaminated. "Dat fuckin' nigger just went in, and now I can't eat
there!" Next he wanted to beat up a kid coming out of McDonald's and take what was
in his food bag. The kid was maybe eleven. Then he says he'll treat us to a nice Italian
restaurant cause he's got 'so much money' but when we get to the restaurant, he says,
"I just remember, I forgot to make a car payment so now I can't feed ya's."

Congratulations I thought to myself, you've been fucked by this jerkoff again.
And there we sat like three retards, staring at the entrance of a crowded pizzeria
with our thumbs up our asses and that fucking song comes on. . .


Don't know why I came here tonight.
I got the feeling that something ain't right.
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.


Who could have known how popular this song would become
many years later thanks to a man by the name of Quentin Tarantino?



To sum it up briefly, I had nothing against this song whatsoever. It was just a classic
case of bad timing for that song somehow seemed to pinpoint my whole emotional
state in its lyrics. Then fatso went and broadcast it for everyone in the parking lot.
I thought my brain was going to implode from all the unwelcomed attention we were
now receiving! As cars pulled in, their headlights began shining on me like high
powered spotlights, and I couldn't shake the feeling that it was being done intentionally.
I was so disgusted with the whole chain of events leading up to this evening that I just
wanted to go home and drown myself. Then John says to me in a state of heightened
awareness, "this is a great night ain't it?" To me, it sounded like the most sarcastic
comment ever made by man since the world first started spinning.

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Before I even left the house, Joey was outside beeping his horn like the getaway
driver in a foiled bank heist! Then to make matters worse my father takes it out on
me. "If that imbecile beeps that car horn one more time, as Christ is my witness,
I'm gonna throw a jar of acid in his face! Because I told him last night, and I told
him last week that he's not in Brooklyn! You get out of the car, and you ring the
doorbell; or better yet, be ready which you never are!" Okay I'll tell him again.
Beeeeeeep! "Ya know I'm really beginning to think there's something wrong with
that guy!" He's got a problem. "He's gonna have an even bigger problem when I
pull him out of the car and lay a nice beating on him! Then maybe he'll learn, to not
be an asshole! I mean enough already!" Beeeeeeeeeeeep, Beep-beep beep-beeeeeeep!
"And there it is!!!" Even before I saw him, I was aggravated. *Then he really did it*

Two hours ago, before the ingestion of the mescaline, and before fatso had any real
idea he was going to traumatize us to such a degree it would send us both into a state
of shock. We were just cruising around on the north side of town enjoying the evening,
until we spotted an abandoned A&P. "I'm surprised it's still here," said John. "Wanna
take a look?" Why not said Joey, speaking out of the corner of his mouth as always,
and so he pulls in. You wanna see something really cool? Yeah we say.

First he guns the car in drive while holding his foot on the brake to make it look like
we were on fire. Then he says, "watch this" as he kicks it into gear. My neck snapped
back and it felt like I was in a plane taxying down a runway. I would never have stayed
in the car had I known he was aiming for something! My life flashed before my eyes
as we hit the side of a shopping cart doing about ninety five miles per hour. I can still
see it flying through the air in slow motion after my heart stopped.



Me and john were screaming like bitches as the wagon teed off the old Buicks fender from
the handicapped parking space! It flipped, banged and then boomed into the building before
breaking apart, and I wanted nothing more at that point than to see him go to jail for life.
Aside from what could have been an immediate decapitation, I was still having the heart attack
an hour later. John screamed frantically at the despicable misanthrope, as if they were about
to go a full fifteen rounds in the ring together! I simply sat there paralyzed. Joey said he didn't
like the car his father had bought for him and just wanted to see how tough it was. Then the
son of a bitch had the audacity to say, "I think it passed."

This cretin who looked like he had just crawled out of a vomitorium did not
have even the slightest clue of how close he came to killing us all. If only
his father had pulled out before he blew that tremendous load. . .



So now here we are, sitting in the crowded parking lot with a crushed fender.
After complaining to us about conspiracies, the Watergate scandal, and the
Kennedy assassination, he doesn't want to drink the beer in the pizzeria,
instead he wishes to bring it back to the car and drink it in front of us.

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Now bear in mind, the only beer served here was on tap. So if you were able to read,
as you entered the establishment you would see a white cardboard sign which read in
black letters in bold print, "NO BEER IS TO LEAVE THIS RESTAURANT FOR
ANY REASON AT ANY TIME! THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS!!!" *It was really
coming on strong at this point* I told Joey this was not possible. That he should just
have a seat inside and drink his beer. John then began pleading with him as if his whole
being depended on it, for he was slowly succumbing to the malaise of the drug. "Listen
to me," said John firmly, "you can't go into an establishment and leave with a pitcher of
beer!" When John began to laugh heavily, Joey turned toward him, giving him a look which
implied he had supreme intelligence over us both.  I, however, interpreted the glance as being
an underhanded low blow. As if he had fished into his sleeve to unveil the winning hand.
No, that shallow smirk did not impress me in the least!

As he struggled to remove his oversized body from the car, I stretched my arms and
yawned loudly. Slamming the door like it was a battering ram he was using to get into
the house of a drug lord, he exits. "Such hostility!" Joey then bellowed immersed in
disdain, "I always get what I want! Ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaa!!!" He exits the vehicle
and proceeds to march toward the restaurant, as though he were a German soldier
at a secret meeting reporting to der Führer.



I asked John how he was feeling in the back there, and he replied in a tone of total
disillusionment, "I don't know." He then began to laugh and told me that it felt like we
just got hit by an Impala! As I continued to dwell on that statement, I became confused.
Did he mean the car or the animal? Maybe you should ask him, said a voice in my head.
No, I thought, then it would no longer be a mystery!

John was now laughing hysterically and trying in vain to compose himself.
With eyes bulging like a tarsier, his face turned a brighter shade of red!
It wasn't long after this that he began to frolic in the car. No longer was he
this sane lucid fellow, but a man attempting to duplicate madness. He used
his fingers to walk around the inside of the car, and if anyone had seen him,
they would have sworn he was insane. He then covered his face and giggled
while playing with his own emotions in a dangerous kind of way. First he would
look out the windshield and point to things that weren't there. Then he stared silently
into space before talking to people who did not exist. He topped it off by answering
his own questions in a heteromorphic voice that did not in any way sound human.

Little does he know what dragon he play with;
what joy besets the fortuitous man before woe.



He suddenly grew impatient as the minutes flew by
and his excitement was replaced by the need to annoy me.

"What's takin' this guy?"
"I wanna get outta here!"
"Ya think he left-is-he comin' back?"
"You wanna go?"

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After all this agitation and bouncing around in the car he abruptly stopped and held his
head in his two hands, for fear that it may somehow fall off. Little could he have known
in his oblique state of mind, "what" would be returning to the car! As the grim figure
leisurely descended upon our vehicle, John screamed out and began kicking the back
of my seat uncontrollably, for he noticed in his hand what he was carrying. This thing
can be best described as an object which appeared to resemble an oversized Chinese
food box! John now had tears coming out of his eyes as he said, "here comes Mussolini
of the Ming Dynasty marching out of China!!!" I laughed as though I never laughed before,
and it was sweet. As John was struggling to catch his breath, I saw Joey quickly putting
on a mask. Oh no, I said to myself behind a smirk, while reveling in the thought of
seeing John react to what was about to happen!

Joey quickly popped his head into the car where John was sitting. His enormous body
hunched onto the car like a big fat boogie man. Of course, John has no idea that Joey
is there for he had still not taken a breath of air yet, and his eyes have become streams
of water! As John makes the mistake of turning to his right, he sees the monster with
its eyes jutting out six inches and almost if not immediately throws himself to the other
side of the car!!! The expression of horror etched upon his face was to such a degree,
it appeared as though his very soul had just been extracted from his body! The way his
face looked with his mouth opened further than any human has ever possibly opened it,
not even I could describe! I laughed harder than I did before, and it felt wonderful!
*(Poor John)* Finally, he was able to take a nice lung full of air! As he did this, Joey
spoke in a placid tone that was rather odd, because he never did anything calmly. Still no
matter how quiet or reserved he spoke, there was always an underlying tone of madness
in those well structured verses of his. How subtle were those words he used in just
the right order. How perfect were they indeed. "I always - get - what I want."

He then yelled out in an apocalyptic voice that frightened young girls in the parking lot.
"Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Haaaaaaaa!" His voice echoed strangely around in my head and only
then did I realize that this sinister being on a totem of swaying folly was clearly an
imposter! His comics and his comic book collection had taken over his universe,
and he was no longer the Joey we knew, but an agent of Doctor Doom.



Today Joey has a beautiful wife he abuses regularly with the tip of his cigarette
because she smiles too much... What happened?

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Reviews for chapter 21

Mitchell Weller - I heard about this book! It is not really a book at all but endless jottings.
This is actually Hunter S Thompson's first attempt at writing.
It is an account of his first experiments!

Charles Pendelton - Sorry to deflate the bubble but they are not.


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PG 101) Buy war stamps and bonds - (WWII poster)

PG 102) Facehugger IV by H.R. Giger

PG 103) Reservoir Dogs - (original theatrical poster)

PG 104) Car crash!

PG 104) Art spun from The Lost Gonzo band, Dead armadillos

PG 105) Give me 4 years time - A. Hitler 1937

PG 105) Skull Dragon by Daniel Ranger

PG 106) The Fantastic Four #5 created by Marvel Comics