Charles Pendelton
      © 2008 Marty Langdon
Chapter 21

          An evening with Dr. Doom

Who could ever forget that night, I thought? Me and John were hanging out with Joey
the Ant in his car. Joey was an unstable young man who I befriended in kindergarten.
I had given him the nickname in second grade because he never ate anything, and he only
weighed about forty pounds; today he's like four of me and three of John! No one cared
much for him in school, and I seemed to be the only person who accepted him for who
he was. An overactive, obnoxious louse of a kid whose soul purpose in life it seemed
was to rattle everyone's nerves. He would later go on to become my greatest adversary.

Back in those days life was cherry pie, and the whole estate of my being pivoted
on a single glance in one direction. That was my motivation. My reason for being,
so to speak. A secret that could destroy my entire universe, but gave me something
far more than mortal love. Oh I would indeed find paradise. . . But at such a cost.

As it stands, John and I had just finished taking two hits each of green “double dome”
mescaline, and it was creeping up on me like a spider. From out of nowhere, Joey begins
talking about going into the service. “That's the only place to go,” he said, “where you can
shoot people and get away with it.” “Yeah” I said, “if you're unfortunate enough to go to war.

“You should be thinking more about peace and less about war.” “Fuck peace,”
he said outright. “I wanna massacre entire villages! There's nothing like waking up
in the morning and blowing somebody's brains out.” “What are you talking about,”
said John, “you'd be running with your tail between your legs through the Mekong Delta
faster than the little gooks chasin' after you with the bamboo stick and the feather!”

As a playful argument turned into a heated debate, I was becoming more and more
uncomfortable with the present situation. The tension was slowly mounting, until
it felt like I was sitting on a powder keg, and the temperature was beginning to rise.

Joey wore his traditional army fatigues and matching hat, yet for some strange reason
that I could not define, the outfit did not match his disposition. Neither did his mood do
anything but chastise. This man, I thought would be most suitable in traditional prison
garbs, for he best befits the profile of an unglorified serial killer! I then started to think;
Joey is not in the army, yet Joey looks as though he is going off to war. Would it be any
different if he donned a postal service uniform and was not working for them? I was now
earnestly trying to dispel the fact, that I was in a car with someone who was wearing a
Halloween costume, only it was not Halloween, and people were beginning to stare.

                                                              Pg 101

*I then contemplated my thoughts and realized they were changing*

I knew it was the nature of the drug beginning to take effect, and so I immediately
disregarded it. We then drove around the island for awhile before heading back to
New Dorp where we stopped off at Pizza Klown in the square. The animated head
above the restaurant appeared to be looking out over the eatery. Scanning the
town for someone, though I knew not who. I felt like I was at an empty carnival.

One that was deserted, for it lacked the main essentials needed to keep it operable.

There was no circus music playing wildly to the sound of screaming kids.
No funhouse that emanated with the smell of wood and grease.

No baseballs hitting the canvas with fury or cotton candy.

                 Ooooh, we needed that cotton candy!

Joey pulled in before maneuvering his car in reverse,
so we were facing the restaurant.

Wonderful, I thought, now everyone can watch us sitting here as they come and
about their way. I just wanted to crawl under the seat and die. Some jackass
decided to have a staring contest with me, and it soon felt as though I were under
a microscope. A speck of dirt or a piece of lint perhaps. All things considered, I was
definitely not feeling myself, but rather, someone entirely different. With the onset
of the drug arriving like a fancy spaceship, and my heart slowly returning to normal
from an incident at the A&P, the evening was about to become interesting.

Joey was babbling about the alien movie, and so I paid him no heed; for in my mind
I was barely within earshot of this maniac. Even though he was sitting right next to me,
he was in a totally different sector than I was, and I wanted to keep it that way! Joey was
reveling in the gore with the monster coming out of the chest, and why oh why couldn't
he be in that ship to kill it? If only he had been born with no mouth, I pondered silently.

Joey asked us if we wanted beer, and we said yes.
He asked us if we wanted to buy it, and we said no.

He then asked us a series of questions that were so ridiculously foolish
they had no relevancy being asked at all. Questions that were immediately
dispelled as nonsense. When he finally realized that we were in no way
going to play his game, he looked at me as a father would have, upon finding
out that his very son had just been caught taking a shit on the teacher's desk!

He then turned and grumbled to himself, and it seemed as if he was
complaining to the steering wheel, which had nothing to say to him either.

“If you're going to eat,” I said, in a harsh angry tone,
“then go in and eat! There's nothing stopping you!”

I suppose he was indecisive about what he was going to do, because
he just sat there mumbling. Rolling his eyes with an expression of
loathsomeness that could not begin to match the grief we were feeling.

                                                              Pg 102

When he made the statement that he just wanted to sit there and watch the restaurant
for the remainder of the evening, John made a loud gasping sound in the back seat,
and I screamed aloud! I lost my cool with him, and that outburst made me feel as
though I had done something horrendous. A monster took hold of me and was
now manipulating my emotions. To be perfectly honest, I didn't think it would go
away, now that it had me. I wasn't sure it wanted to, but gradually it subsided to
peace. Joey then said he was thirsty and wanted beer. He also said, since we didn't
have money, we wouldn't be getting any. In his own words, as he put it, “Ya's got
no money, and I don't wanna be dry.” Joey, I felt like saying, you couldn't 'dry out'
if you sat in the middle of 'Death Valley' for two years, you fat fucking lummox!

First he wanted a souvlaki, but a black fellow walked in, so now he can't eat there
because the food is contaminated. “Dat fuckin' nigger just went in, and now I can't eat
there!” Then he wanted to beat up a kid coming out of McDonald's and take what was
in his food bag. The kid was maybe eleven. Then he says, he'll treat us to a nice Italian
restaurant cause he's got 'so much money' but when we get to the restaurant, he says
“I just remember, I forgot to make a car payment, so now I can't feed ya's.” Even though
Joey received the car as a gift, he'd still claim he must pay back a percentage monthly.
I later found out 'from his father' that this was not true. Joey was responsible for nothing.

You have to forgive him, Charlie.
He talks a-lot-a nonsense, so we just let him talk.

Congratulations, I thought to myself, you've been screwed by this blockhead again.
As we sat
out there in the open like three retards, staring at the entrance of a
pizzeria with our thumbs up our asses, that fucking song comes on. . .

Don't know why I came here tonight.
I got a feeling that something ain't right.
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.

Who could have known how popular this song would become many
years later, thanks to a man by the name of Quentin Tarantino?

To sum it up briefly, I had nothing against the song whatsoever. It was just a classic case
of bad timing, for that song somehow seemed to pinpoint my whole emotional state
in its lyrics. Then fatso went and broadcast it for everyone in the parking lot. I thought
my brain would harden from all the unwelcomed attention we were now receiving.

As cars pulled in, their headlights began shining on me like high powered spotlights,
and I couldn't shake the feeling that it was being done intentionally. I was so disgusted
with the whole chain of events leading up to this evening, that I just wanted to go home
and drown myself. Then John says to me in a state of heightened awareness, this is a
great night ain't it? To me, it sounded like the most sarcastic comment ever made by
man since the world first started spinning.
  Stealers Wheel - Stuck in the middle (with you)

                                                              Pg 103

Before I even left the house, Joey was outside beeping the horn like a getaway driver
in a foiled bank heist! Then to make matters worse, my father takes it out on me.

“If that imbecile beeps that car horn one more time, as Christ is my witness, I'm
gonna throw a jar of acid in his face; because I told him last night, and I told him
last week that he's not in Brooklyn anymore! You get out of the car, and you ring
the doorbell like a normal person; or better yet be ready, which you never are!”
“Okay, I'll tell him again.” Beeeep! “You know, I'm really beginning to think there's
something wrong with that guy!” “He's got a problem.” “He's gonna have an even
bigger problem when I pull him out of the car, and lay a nice beating on him! Then
maybe he'll learn to not be an asshole! I mean enough already!!!” Beeeeeeeeeep,
Beep-beep beep-beep! “And there it is!” Even before I saw him, I was aggravated.

As I pulled open the passenger side door, I calmly escorted myself in and sat down.
In a very casual tone, I spoke. . . “If you should ever come to my house like that
again, I'm gonna sneak up on you with a 4 iron, and I'm gonna put it through your
back windshield. Then I'm going to disown you, and never speak to you again.”
“Don't think you're scaring me. I have lots-a-friends I can hang out with.” “Name
one other fucking friend who can put up with you for more than five minutes?
What's wrong with you?”
“Excuse me?” “I said, what's-wrong-with-you?!”
Beeping the horn like you're in a motorcade, chaperoning the fucking president!”
“Ah, gimme a break with that.” “Listen Joe, I'm telling you for the last time, park the
car, get out and ring the door bell, because I don't want to hear this shit anymore.”

He grumbled before lighting big cigar. I didn't catch the name of the brand, because
Joey always removed the label, but looking at that dark maduro wrapper and judging
by its smell, I would have to say it was either a Montecristo, or a Hoyo de Monterrey.
“I guess we're getting the other guy.” So off we went to Eltingville. Once there, Joey
beeped the horn twice and John came running out. “You still got 'em?” “Yeah, I got
'em,” said John, almost knowing I was gonna ask! Then back to New Dorp we went! 

Two hours ago, before the ingestion of the mescaline and before fatso had any real idea
he was going to traumatize us to such a degree, it would send us both into a state of shock.
We were just cruising around on the north side of town, gazing about and enjoying the night,
when we spotted an abandoned A&P. I'm surprised it's still here, said John, wanna take a
look? Why not said Joey, speaking out of the corner of his mouth as always, and so he
pulls in. You wanna see something really cool? Sure, I said, not knowing what to expect.

First he guns the car in drive, while holding his foot on the brake to make it look like
we were on fire. Then he says, watch this as he kicks it into gear. My neck snapped
back and it felt like I was in a plane taxying down a runway. I would never have
stayed in the car, had I known he was aiming for something! My life flashed before
my eyes as we hit the side of a shopping cart doing about ninety five miles per hour.

I can still see it flying through the air in slow motion after my heart had stopped.

Me and john were screaming like bitches as the wagon teed off the old Buicks fender from
the yellow lined parking space! It flipped, banged and then boomed into the building before
breaking apart, and I wanted nothing more at that point than to see him go to jail for life.

Aside from what could have been an immediate decapitation,
I was still having the heart
attack an hour later. John screamed frantically at the despicable misanthrope, as if they
were about to go a full fifteen rounds in the ring together; while I simply sat there paralyzed.
Joey said he didn't like the car his father had bought for him and just wanted to see how
tough it was. If that wasn't enough, he had the audacity to say, I think it passed.

This cretin who looked like he had just rolled out of a vomitorium did not
have even the slightest clue of how close he came to killing us all. If only
his father would had pulled out, before he blew that tremendous load. . .

So now here we are, sitting in the crowded parking lot with a crushed fender, and a
headlight missing. After complaining to us about conspiracies, the Watergate scandal,
and the Kennedy assassination, he doesn't want to drink the beer in the pizzeria,
instead, he wishes to bring it back to the car and drink it in front of us.

                                                              Pg 104

Now bear in mind, the only beer served here was on tap, so if you were able to read,
as you entered the establishment you would see a white cardboard sign which read
in black letters in bold print, NO BEER IS TO LEAVE THIS RESTAURANT

*It was really coming on strong at this point*

“Listen, I said, don't be crazy. Have a seat inside the restaurant, drink some beer and
have a pizza.” John then began pleading with him as if his whole being depended on it,
for he was slowly succumbing to the malaise of the drug. “Listen to me,” said John
firmly, “you cannot go into an establishment and leave with a pitcher of beer!” When
John began to laugh heavily and could not stop, Joey turned toward him, giving him a
look which implied he had supreme intelligence over us both.  I, however, interpreted
the glance as being an underhanded low blow. As if he had fished into his sleeve to
unveil the winning hand. No, that shallow smirk did not impress me in the least!

Struggling to remove his oversized carcass from the vehicle, I stretch and yawn
loudly, like an inebriated patron about to collapse! Finally, Joey exits the Buick
while slamming the door like it was a battering ram he was using to get into the
house of a drug lord. Such hostility!!! Joey then bellowed immersed in disdain,
“I always get what I want! Ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaa!!!” He turns the car off and
proceeds to march toward the restaurant, as though he were a German soldier at
a secret meeting reporting to der Führer. If you looked closely, you could almost
see the swastikas in his eyes, glowing like a burning flag.

Turning around, I asked John how he was feeling in the back there, and he replied in a tone
of total disillusionment, “I don't know.” He then began to laugh, and told me that it felt like we
just got hit by an Impala! As I continued to dwell on that statement, I became confused. Did
he mean the car or the animal? “Maybe you should ask him,” said the voice in my head, that
was conveying thoughts to me. . . “No,” I thought, “then it would no longer be a mystery!

John was laughing hysterically, and trying in vain to compose himself. With eyes
bulging like a tarsier, his face turned an even brighter shade of red! It wasn't long
after this that he began to frolic in the car. No longer was he this sane lucid fellow,
but a man attempting to duplicate madness. He used his fingers to walk around the
inside of the car, and if anyone had seen him, they would have sworn he was insane.

He then covered his face and giggled while playing with his own emotions
in a dangerous kind of way. First he would look out the windshield and
point to things that weren't there. Then he stared blankly into space before
talking to people who did not exist. He topped it off by answering his own
questions in a heteromorphic voice that did not in any way sound human.

Little does he know what dragon he play with;
what joy besets the fortuitous man before woe.

Suddenly, John grew impatient as the minutes flew by,
and his excitement was replaced by the need to annoy me.

“What's takin' this guy?”
“I wanna get outta here!”
“Ya think he left, is he comin' back?”
“You wanna go?”

                                                              Pg 105

After all this agitation and bouncing around in the car he abruptly stopped and held his
head in his two hands, for fear that it may somehow fall off. Little could he have known
in his oblique state of mind, “what” would be returning to the car! As the grim figure
leisurely descended upon our vehicle, John screamed out and began kicking the back
of my seat uncontrollably, for he noticed in his hand what he was carrying. This thing
can be best described as
an object which appeared to resemble an oversized Chinese
food container with the metal handle and all! John now had tears coming out of his
eyes as he said, “here comes Mussolini of the Ming Dynasty marching out of China!”

I laughed as though I never laughed before, and it was sweet. As John was struggling to
catch his breath, I saw Joey quickly putting on a mask. Oh no, I said to myself behind a
smirk, while reveling in the thought of seeing John react to what was about to happen!

Joey quickly popped his head into the car where John was sitting. His enormous body
hunched onto the car like an obese boogie man. Of course, John had no idea Joey was
there for he had still not taken a breath of air yet, and his eyes had become streams
of water! As John makes the mistake of turning to his right, he sees the monster with
its eyes jutting out six inches and immediately throws himself to the other side of the
automobile! The expression of horror etched upon Johns face was to such a degree,
it appeared as though his very soul had just been extracted from his body! The way his
face looked, with his mouth opened further than any human has ever opened it,
even I could begin to describe! I laughed harder than I did before, and it felt wonderful!

Poor John!!! Finally, he was able to take a nice lung full of air! As he did this, Joey
spoke in a placid tone that was rather odd, because he never did anything calmly. Still, no
matter how quiet or reserved he spoke, there was always an underlying tone of madness
in those well structured verses of his. How subtle were these words he used in just the
right order.
How perfect were they indeed. . . I always - get - what I want.

He then yelled out in an apocalyptic voice
that frightened young girls in the parking lot.


His voice echoed strangely around in my head,
and only then did I realize that this sinister being
on a totem of swaying folly was clearly an imposter!

His comics and his comic book collection had taken over his universe,
and he was no longer the Joey we knew, but an agent of Doctor Doom.

Today, Joey has a beautiful wife he abuses regularly with the tip
of his cigarette, because she smiles too much... What happened?

                                             The Traits - Nobody loves the hulk
                                                              Pg 106

Reviews for chapter 21

Mitchell Weller - I heard about this book! It is not really a book at all but endless jottings.
This is actually Hunter S Thompson's first attempt at writing.
It is an account of his first experiments!

Charles Pendelton - Sorry to deflate the bubble, but they are not.

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