| Chapter 04
The Adventures of Billy and Bravo
As I began adjusting the radio dial located in the perimeter of my right frontal lobe to a
more receptive station, there was some static and a minimal amount of distortion, but not
enough to generate anything. Another click on the fine-tuning dial proved to be successful,
for suddenly, there was a break in the cloud cover. As pictures began to form from shadows,
I found myself pandering in the unkempt solace of waning distractions. A lusory image
of a baby boy patting a beach ball on an empty and desolate shore had materialized.
Rapidly and without warning, the ball took to the sky
like a helium balloon, and I followed swiftly behind it.
Like a meteor preparing to burn itself out, I rocketed skyward until
I saw something moving ever so serenely across the horizon.
I honed in on it and prepared to initiate contact. As it entered my
field of vision, I let the invisible air current carry me up to it.
An aeroplane glides by with a hum and onlookers look up.
Hat brims shield the eyes from a scorching sun.
The pilot waves to the crowd below and smiles,
but no one sees his face, for he is in a dream.
As I hover above the cockpit, I can now see a three-dimensional image of the control
panel, and a partial glimpse of our navigator enjoying the view. The pin up girl on
the side of the aircraft has a stunning appearance and is delicately holding a glass
of pale champagne. Her legs are folded provocatively, thus implying a motive.
Without hesitation, she raises her glass to me and grins before taking a sip
of the sparkling intoxicant. Then with lips pursed and eyes closed, she gives
me an adoring kiss before returning to her original position.
As Venus comes into alignment with Mercury, the sun reflected upon the two planets causes
the paint to flake off until there is no design left upon the aircraft at all. At this point, my
incendiary shell has burned up in the troposphere, and I am no longer a shooting star but
the air itself, cascading through the ripples of a wind-blown sea to the very breath of man.
Pages from a calendar blow off one by one and fall like leaves to the ground.
Finally, the wind ceases, and the whistle blows. It's Friday, 1953, and the city
is overflowing with joy. The sun is now perfectly in tune with the movement
of the passing plane, and as the clock becomes drowsy above the automat,
it slows to an abrupt halt. It was at this very moment that the die was cast.
Pg 15
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The umbrage released from the resilient bird with an iron-clad body was
one that provided relief from a blistering heatwave, now in its seventh day.
This darkened the faces in awe as it covered the ground in a geometric and
dilatory manner. An applause rang out in the street where women cried.
Men cheered and threw their hats to heaven.
The laudation continued. . . That was until the sun shifted.
If we run fast enough, thought Billy to his fearless dog Bravo, we can bask in
its shade, so off they went. Tiny feet pattered to the rhythm of a drum roll that
appeared to be coming from the attic above my room. “There he goes,” said a
black man in his mid-twenties, smiling. He had been carefully documenting the
quality of the air with x/y to the 4th power on a medium sized notepad. “I jus'
love to see that little dog run,” proclaimed Jasper with glee. He then tipped
his yellow hat to the fine-looking critter before turning to watch smoke rings
being blown from a billboard advertisement encouraging youths to smoke.
As they came forth into the air, they linked to form a billowing
chain that stretched far into the earth's atmosphere. In the small province
of Beggar's Field, China, the links dangle to the ground where they
are broken off and eaten by some of the world's poorest people.
They had a name for it. It was called Mu Gaw.
I saw a beautiful Asian woman as white as a pearl and thought,
he who condemns imagination is like a child forbidden to play,
a lover unable to touch, a guide who has just lost his way.
Soon the dog ran out of steam and was panting. It was difficult for the tiny pug to
scoot more than a few blocks without suffering the burden caused by such intense
heat. The little fellow had pushed himself too hard and was now fatigued and exhausted.
He struggled to catch his breath, but it seemed he had exceeded his limit. By a public
school, he stopped and was looking at several tall cans filled with coal ashes. As the
drops of wasted energy fell to the sidewalk, they landed on small but thick circles
of violet glass used in the gaslight era to reflect light into the school's basement.
Gazing into the violet prism, he saw a defeated image of himself in the diminutive pool
of water that sparkled for a moment and then died. As the shimmering heat emanated up
from the street's surface only inches away, Bravo knew he could go no further. It was in
this precise location where he collapsed and sprawled out on the walkway. Through moist
eyes filled with sadness, he watched his friend succeeding from a distance. Only three feet
away stood a bone-dry, jet-black fire hydrant, and I wanted nothing more than for that
hydrant to turn on, but it simply could not, so the little dog closed his eyes forever.
Pg 16
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Billy looked back at his pal with a sad smile before noticing an abandoned building had
crumbled. Because of this building which stood no more. A building that had been reduced
to a pile of bricks in a concaved heap of white plaster and rubble; stood the adjoining structure
of yet another dwelling. Through all this debris and mayhem, the facade was unscathed. The
veneer of its exposed wall revealed one's artistic ability in the form of an iconographic image.
A remnant of a bygone era had been laid bare.
The hundred-year-old advertisement painted on the red brick exterior wall was
untouched by the hands of time. In black, white, and bright green animated letters read,
J.D. Voorghont's carriage assembly and repair shop with a depiction of a young man
standing beside his work. Off to the side were five of his workers, each one holding a
different tool. Together they proudly sported their handlebar moustaches, yet no one
smiled. To the right were the tools of his trade neatly coordinated on a pristine green
and black setting. Tools that would be considered by today's standards as prehistoric.
Billy wondered what happened to the timely gentleman standing
in the huge painting that now divided the two worlds.
He lived his life out as we all do, and then he was no more.
That world and its citizens are all but a vapor now, thought Billy, before bolting toward
the calm apparition, which could be seen gracefully hovering over a two-block radius far
off in the distance. The smell of asphalt rising on a freshly paved street and coal tar creosote
applied to dry and splintered telephone poles at adjacent bus stops were all scents of the city
he had come to know and love. Sweat poured from his body, lifting him clean out of his shoes.
As the adumbration washed over the bridge, he bounded for it. Never knowing, all the while,
he'd been drawn into make believe by an artist's loving hand. Never knowing that once the
TV is turned off, so is he.
As the ceiling tiles gradually came back into focus, the television set that
was on in a lonely corner of my mind grew dim and slowly vanished.
How amusing, I thought. . .
Somewhere in the recesses of our minds.
The serene quarters where daydreams thrive.
Only in a place reserved for paragons so dear,
could it have acquired such a captivating charm.
As I reflect in absence, an era lost in time.
The Storybook People - Do You Believe
Pg 17
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Inkpop reviews for chapter 4
~DreamChaser~ - W.O.W. thats amazing! i think you should have a more seriouse name,
because this is really good! i love how descriptive it is, it's always good to use bigger
more discriptive words, it really drawed me in, great job! goin on my watch list!
xoxokelseyxoxo - absolutly amazing =) i loved it. ur images are so
clear and crisp its almost like you are there. =) i really love the ending
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This review was posted on Mar/4/22
Ella's, Jacob & Sarah's review
Chas, this was such a perfect chapter.
We loved reading about the Adventures of Billy and Bravo.
Below are our thoughts in bullet points, as this chapter is so short, we have limited thoughts about it:
• We thought the idea of the aeroplane scene was excellent.
It was euphoric and your scene building was phenomenal.
• We thought Billy and Bravo was a very cute pairing, they felt natural and they really
complimented each other, it’s like a classic boy and his dog story, but just more euphoric.
• Your prose reads like being on weed. Which is the biggest compliment
we have ever given to any writer because we are stoners haha.
• Our only problem would be that not one of these chapters has been in unity, and
we are afraid to read it as a collection, as it feels like each chapter is like a short story,
but if we take a step back and analyze it, the bigger picture might be blurry.
• Our favorite lines (everyone said in unison) was:
Somewhere in the recesses of our minds.
The serene quarters where daydreams thrive.
Only in a place reserved for paragons so dear,
could it have acquired such a captivating charm.
As I reflect in absence, an era lost in time.
This is the perfect closing paragraph.
It is so poetic, and it made us long for an era that is “lost in time.”
WELL DONE WITH THIS CHAPTER, CHAS! IT WAS EXCELLENCE.
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This review was posted on Apr/11/22
Lameez' review
Beta-Read Report for 'The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe - Chapter 4'
Beta Reader: Lameez Rushin (Lameezisreal)
Overall Impression
This story felt a lot more high-spirited than the first story had. From the ability
to follow a beach ball into the sky the dreamy feel of the warehouse that stood
as a bridge between two times. It almost felt as though I’d been reading a
superhero story, like superboy and his super dog, Krypto.
Chapter Notes
The opening scene beautifully described diving into the Main Character’s (MC) mind,
implying that though the chapter is science fiction, it’s told from a third-person narrator,
who has created this with his mind or is seeing it through his mind’s eye.
Character Notes
From the obvious powers and onlookers who respond so warmly to Billy and Bravo's
appearances, it’s clear that these characters are cherished. The emotive language and
tone emphasizes their appreciation of Billy, and his to the onlookers, as well as the loss
of Bravo while still maintaining the jovial energy of the story.
Thoughts After Finishing The Chapter
It was definitely an uncommon narrative. As opposed to just telling the story around Billy and
Bravo, we are given a third-person account, from the person who invented them. The idea that
the full novel will have varying novels of woe becomes apparent as we delve into the sorrow of
losing Bravo while, once again, maintaining the upbeat atmosphere already established in the
book, without taking anything away from Bravo’s death.
Thank you so much and I’m excited to see your next chapter!
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This review was posted on Apr/13/22
alits29's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 4 - Reader Report
Beta Reader's Report by Alitha Igloria (alits29)
FIRST IMPRESSION
The emotions revolving in this chapter were set between sadness and nostalgia.
The scenic display of the crumbled building and the untouched shop creates the
illusion of the old history of a place which made me feel like I’m being time warp
to the past witnessing its existence in that location.
This kind of setting always gives me a nostalgic effect.
The crumbling building seems like a metaphor for Bravo’s death. And this made me
mourn upon knowing that Billy was sad. I know how he feels for I also once lost my
beloved dog. And this part of the story shows how details and words can convince
the audience. The writer skillfully structured this chapter that creates a drama that
enticed the reader to connect thru related experiences.
But my inquisitive mind has some intriguing questions. If the mind is like a house with
so many doors and by the influence of a substance, do the memories intertwine with
hallucination? Is Billy also an illusion like the lady in the plane flirting with Charles?
Reading thru the previous chapter including this fourth, I made a discernment that the
hallucination varies on the personality of the dependent user of the substance. Charles’s
hallucination is not that strange but only appears with random episodes.
A mind is a tool for man to use in his daily living but most men didn’t know that they are
already enslaved by the mind. Many times, the thoughts that are in our heads are not ours.
It’s just a product of our biological condition. Might be illness, depression, lack of nutrition,
hormonal imbalance, stress, and even a traumatic experience.
This chapter showed how Charles freely flies without hesitation.
Sounds like an endless dream but it’s just the effect of the substance.
This sets an ambiance like you’re in a dream.
Where things keep on changing.
And they only have mostly less significant content.
CHAPTER OPENING
The opening showed how Charles’s hallucination starts. And it seems like he
freely manifests flying. The scene is displayed like a dream where there are
people in it but of course in a sequence of episodes.
I sense that Charles felt so free in this chapter. Though it’s another hallucination,
I observed he has managed to control a little of his illusion. And he obtained a bit
of peace as he soars high flying to the sky.
CHARACTER ANALYSIS
I’m seeing better vibes of Charles in this chapter. He is like a person set free after a long time
from isolation or whatever that is preventing him to feel this enormous sense of freedom. I’m just
curious about the lady on the plane, Billy and Bravo, and also the other people in this setup.
I mean the details direct me to the question of why are they revealed in this part of the story.
Personally, it made me contemplate that somehow even though the mind is in hallucination,
it also materialized the memories inside the illusion.
But who is Billy to Charles?
Are they related?
Or Billy is Charles’s young memory of himself?
PACE AND FLOW
This chapter displays minimal pacing. Charles’s episodes were revealing some people’s
experiences. And the drama it resonated with, creates this average pace of the story.
The story started with the transition from reality to hallucination and then in the finale
it returns back to the real world.
LANGUAGE
The details were crafted and structured well that will put your mind in the presence of the scenes.
I love the manner of the descriptive details. The language of this work is evidence of the level of
mastery of the writer. And the result is that a whole chapter becomes a form of poetry.
SENSITIVITY
What hit me in this chapter is the death of Bravo which caused Billy’s sadness. As an audience,
it is not an easy scene because losing a pet is like losing a child, a sibling, or a loved one. This is
the sensitive part when Billy looks back at Bravo with a sad smile. It is heavy to take such reality
and the writer wrote it perfectly. I learn that words are indeed powerful in portraying emotions.
And this is what stories should have, an effect on the reader’s inner self.
DIALOGUE WRITING
I saw a monologue of Jasper, as he expresses his thought when he saw Billy and Bravo.
But beyond that nothing came. The rest of the scenes were all narrated. But it’s expected
that it will be a narration since the story is a chronicle of Charles’s past.
PLOT/CONSISTENCY
I love how details are emphasized in every scene. Though it is a random series of episodes still
you will feel you exist in the story as if you’re the main character. The plot is dramatic this time. It
may have started cheerfully but I find the Billy and Bravo scene the center of this whole chapter.
I wonder what is his connection to Charles.
The mood of this story is the same as in the previous chapter but this one is heavier and more
nostalgic. The crumbled building and the hundred-year-old untouched shop reveal an old history.
SETTING/DESCRIPTION
I learned some knowledge on how to structure a setting like how the writer established his creative
mind in visualizing the setting through proper word-building. The setting is materialized thru good
description. This chapter is composed of several scenes but it is justified thru proper structuring.
GRAMMAR/SYNTAX
As I mentioned in the past chapters, the story is maneuvered by the writer/author. This
work delivered the message appropriately. And grammar is not an issue, the writer provides
a clear story. Though the words require a higher level of intellect still I find it pleasing to read.
The structure of the story actually creates a classy mood and I like it that way.
ENDING
I love this end part, where it slowly unfolds the three-dimensional reality of existence. It sounds
like the process of regression where the person slowly senses the real world after traveling back
to the old life. It sounds amazing when a narration creates this aura of a poetic display.
It’s not actually easy to produce these lines…
Somewhere in the recesses of our minds.
The serene quarters where daydreams thrive.
Only in a place reserved for paragons so dear,
could it have acquired such a captivating charm.
As I reflect in absence, an era lost in time.
This creates a nostalgic effect on me. Cherishing the old times havocs the sincerest part of the heart
where longing awaits to grasp the essence of the past. How lovely if one could travel back but only
the powerful mind can transport you through the hands of time in a split of seconds.
After reading this chapter, I see that we can create our own space thru our mind by creating
our own world in whatever we desire as long as it provides peace and harmony with our soul
to manifest the balance of our existence in this three-dimensional world. And on this manner,
we could attain a sense of freedom from this chaotic world.
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This review was posted on Apr/21/22
nehanegi1905 's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 4 - The adventures of Billy and Bravo
Reader's Report by nehanegi1905
Hello Chas. Sorry, it took me a while to get back to you.
First I want to talk about the individual chapter and then
I will give you my overall take on the four chapters.
I think this chapter was good.
Again great work with the use of words in describing everything going
on in his imagination. But somewhere the dots just didn’t connect for me.
The introduction of Billy was very abrupt. The fact that we know nothing
about him, makes it even more random. It was hard for me to connect
with the character because I don’t know anything about him and there
are no hints of his personality or character in the chapter. So it makes
the essence of the whole chapter a little random.
Now, I want to talk about my views on all the four chapters combined.
After I finished reading the fourth chapter, I reread all four chapters again
to take a look at the overall flow. In my opinion, the first three chapters
were quite amazing and absolutely flowed in my head (almost surreal).
But when I moved on to the fourth chapter, I somehow couldn't connect.
The boy’s imagination flows perfectly but by the time you reach chapter four,
it somehow becomes less interesting because all he’s talking about is his
imagination and there’s no part referencing his actual life which will help the
reader get a better idea of his character. It hops from one dream to another
without giving any hints on what is going on in his life. While the imaginary
world described is absolutely surreal, it somehow gets monotonous.
By the time I ended chapter four all I wished was for the boy to exit his imagination
and give a little sneak peek into his life(it felt like this section was being dragged
unnecessarily). Because if I’ll stay too much in the imagination part, it’ll be difficult
for me to connect with his actual life if and when he talks about it again.
I’m very excited to find out whether he comes out of his imagination in the
next chapter or not. Because I so wanna know more about him and his life.
Eagerly waiting for the fifth chapter.
Thank you
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This review was posted on May/7/22
sianiesl's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 4 - The adventures of Billy and Bravo
Reader's Report by Siani
Hello, thank you for another poetic chapter, it was
an incredible and transformative read once again.
Readability of Chapter 3.
In other words, how quickly did I read the chapter,
how much did I enjoy it, and where did it drag?
With this chapter being quite short, it didn't take me long to read at all.
It flowed with ease from one paragraph to another in your usual tranquil
flow of vocabulary and metaphors. It didn't drag at any point, and I finished
the chapter before I knew it, entranced with your words.
Reader’s opinion.
As a reader, what did I think of your plot, your characters, and your writing style?
This dream including Billy and Bravo was another welcomed and refreshing
break and insight into the wondering mind, and another little world and creation
for the reader to be submerged in. I feel like the people involved had more
description attached to them in this chapter which very much added value to
the storyline in this chapter, and as this chapter focused on one plot point, it
allowed me to become more invested in the story which I very much preferred.
Positives and negatives. What about your chapter did I love or hate?
As mentioned before, the worlds you are creating within your writing and within
the character are simply beautiful, this chapter was a lot stronger in my opinion than
the last, and I feel it is because the prime focus of the story made me become more
involved and submerged. I adored the paragraph regarding Bravo passing, it was
very gently written, so emotive and soft. As I was reading the chapter (which I read
a few times for my own enjoyment) I drifted off thinking about how time seems to decay
all things, it seems to be present, yet invisible, destroying and changing everything,
and thinking about what happened to the people we meet in passing. I very much
enjoyed the fourth chapter, the mind being compared to a radio station, adjusting the
dials to search for another frequency, another dream in the mind to fall into and become
intoxicated with. I don't have any negative points to add, I feel the first paragraph allowed
for an easy transition from chapter 3, and their was an immense amount of detail.
The story line flowed well without moving too quickly and moving onto another plot.
Subsequent discussion of your manuscript.
Another excellent chapter, I loved from start to finish and feel this chapter really trumps
the previous, which was also beautiful, I would like to add that ''As I began adjusting the
radio dial located in the perimeter of my right frontal lobe to a more receptive station''
is an incredible sentence and a very strong opening to the chapter.
All the best,
Siani
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This review was posted on May/10/22
aneelaiftikhar1's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 4 - The adventures of Billy and Bravo
Reader's Report by Aneela
A short but a very deep chapter. A life of a day dreamer.
This time I had made the connection of every imagination from
radio to flying meteor to air and then billy and bravo, then from
there we go for our final conclusion. I really liked the chapter.
He lived his life out as we all do, and then he was no more.
I really loved this sentence. The secret of life lies in this sentence.
The fate of every living organism that he has to die and will vanish,
besides the fact that he is powerful or weak.
The scene of billy and bravo was very emotional.
It depicts that life is a race. We have to be strong in order to survive.
As the adumbration washed over the bridge, he bounded for it. Never
knowing, all the while he'd been drawn into make believe by an artist's
loving hand. Never knowing that once the TV is turned off, so is he.
These lines stole my heart. Pointing that is glamor real?
Somewhere in the recesses of our minds.
The serene quarters where daydreams thrive.
Only in a place reserved for paragons so dear,
could it have acquired such a captivating charm.
As I reflect in absence, an era lost in time.
These ending lines have given me my many answers.
Why the main character is always in some other world but not in the real world,
he feels himself safe there, where he can think anything, he can imagine any
character. There are no bounds on him. He had his own World.
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This review was posted on May/13/22
aid_aid's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 4 - Reader Report
Beta Reader's Report by Astuti
1. A suggestive opinion “An aeroplane glides by with a hum and onlookers
look up” would look better if you wrote looked up or look up at it.
2. I have to praise the syncing of these lines, it is just fitting the role.
“Hat brims shield the eyes from a scorching sun. The pilot waves to the
crowd below and smiles, but no one sees his face, for he is in a dream”
3. “. It was at this very moment that the die was cast.” Seems a little
incomplete and I think fails to convey what you had wished to convey.
4. “The umbrage released from the resilient bird with an iron-clad body was
one that provided relief from a blistering heatwave, now in its seventh day.”
The framing of this sentence could be a little altered. ‘now in its seventh day’
makes it look like the sentence has more to it and is incomplete but it certainly
is not. So it can only be fair to rephrase it and mention the time period before
in the beginning or anything otherwise that gives a complete look.
5. And I fell in love with this part, “I saw a beautiful Asian woman as white as a
pearl and thought, he who condemns imagination is like a child forbidden to play,
a lover unable to touch, a guide who has just lost his way.?”
6. “He struggled to catch his breath, but it seemed he had exceeded his limit.”
‘but’ seems an improper addition. Either and or no conjunction at all would suffice.
7. So for this paragraph, it is well set but I feel that it would catch the reader’s eyes
better if the death of the dogg is disclosed only in the end. Mentioning it in the first
line spoils the charisma of the wordplay later. “Gazing into the violet prism, he saw a
defeated image of himself in the diminutive pool of water that sparkled for a moment
and then died. As the shimmering heat emanated up from the street’s surface only
inches away, Bravo knew he could go no further. It was in this precise location where
he collapsed and sprawled out on the walkway. Through moist eyes filled with sadness,
he watched his friend succeeding from a distance. Only three feet away stood a bone-dry,
jet-black fire hydrant, and I wanted nothing more than for that hydrant to turn on, but it
simply could not, so the little dog closed his eyes forever.”
8. “Billy looked back at his pal with a sad smile before noticing an abandoned building had
crumbled. Because of this building which stood no more” again, seems an improper framing
of the sentence. ‘before noticing that an abandoned building had crumbled… would be better.
And I don’t really follow what the next line beginning from ‘because’ intended to convey.
9. “, he'd been drawn into make believe by an artist's loving hand.
“ the sentence needs rephrasing because it is not properly conveying
what it ought to. Though the twist is amazing here.
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This review was posted on May/17/22
kanchanninawe's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 4 - The adventures of Billy and Bravo
Reader's Report by kanchan
FIRST IMPRESSION - What was your overall take on the chapter after reading it?
It was quite a simple but the imagination of the character was fun to read.
It was descriptive and it took the story and guided nicely. Non-stop reading
urge was missing though. Apart from that well written chapter.
CHAPTER OPENING - Do you like the wording used? Do you want to keep reading?
Are you excited to turn the page?
Wordings were good. The details were mentioned in an elaborative manner.
This time it was not that exciting to read it no-stop. The story to where it is
headed is confusing in a manner.
CHARACTER ANALYSIS - Did you find the character(s) too imaginative,
or descriptive? Are they exciting or boring in this chapter?
The imaginative factor of the character lifted up the spirit of this chapter.
I liked the character’s imaginative side here.
PACE AND FLOW - Was it too fast/slow? Does it move smoothly, or is it rough and choppy?
Did you feel lost at all?The story moves smoothly.
The pace of the chapter was adequate.
LANGUAGE - Do you like the way the writer plays with words? Do you feel
that he knows what he is doing? Do you think those obscure words help or
hurt the story? Do you believe readers can learn something here?
The word was pretty good and the situations were descriptive enough to carry forward the storyline.
SENSITIVITY - Is there anything that offended you? Are you offended by the
illicit substances conveyed in this chapter?
No, I didn’t find anything offensive.
DIALOGUE WRITING - Do you enjoy the narration of the author?
Was the message delivered in a clear and thoughtful manner?
Yes, the narration was quite up to the mark. The sequence of
actions could be imagined by the narration and the descriptions.
PLOT/CONSISTENCY - Was the plot on point? Do you like where it is going?
The chapter was good and nicely written but to where it is going is kind of blurred.
I hope it takes an interesting turn.
SETTING/DESCRIPTION - Is it fine the way the author described his surroundings?
Should more attention be paid to detail?
No need to pay any more attention to detail, just the story can get interesting
enough and that would automatically give a push and be a catalyst.
GRAMMAR/SYNTAX - Does the wording confuse you? Does the
writing excite you, even though it doesn't entirely make sense?
Yes, a little bit. The story is fun to read but there quite
less urge to turn the page and read it non-stop.
FAVORITE QUOTES/PASSAGES - Did anything the writer stand out?
Were there any sentences/phrases that impressed you?
Page 4
The smell of asphalt rising on a freshly paved street and coal tar creosote
applied to dry and splintered telephone poles at adjacent bus stops were
all scents of the city he had come to know and love. Sweat poured from
his body, lifting him clean out of his shoes.
OVERALL THOUGHTS/ENDING - How do you feel on an emotional level?
Did it make you want to turn the page or close it?
I feel like the chapter was sweet and short. The dog scenes have been written
quite well. But I hope the story gets a little better with time so that look forward
to what is going to happen next, here in this chapter there is quite or no loose
end to look forward to which excites reader to turn the page.
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This review was posted on May/13/22
aid_aid's review
The Embryo Man and Other Tales of Woe: Chapter 4 - Reader Report
Beta Reader's Report by Astuti
1. A suggestive opinion “An aeroplane glides by with a hum and onlookers
look up” would look better if you wrote looked up or look up at it.
2. I have to praise the syncing of these lines, it is just fitting the role.
“Hat brims shield the eyes from a scorching sun. The pilot waves to
the crowd below and smiles, but no one sees his face, for he is in a dream”
3. “. It was at this very moment that the die was cast.” Seems a little
incomplete and I think fails to convey what you had wished to convey.
4. “The umbrage released from the resilient bird with an iron-clad body was
one that provided relief from a blistering heatwave, now in its seventh day.”
The framing of this sentence could be a little altered. ‘now in its seventh day’
makes it look like the sentence has more to it and is incomplete but it certainly
is not. So it can only be fair to rephrase it and mention the time period before
in the beginning or anything otherwise that gives a complete look.
5. And I fell in love with this part, “I saw a beautiful Asian woman as white as a
pearl and thought, he who condemns imagination is like a child forbidden to play,
a lover unable to touch, a guide who has just lost his way.?”
6. “He struggled to catch his breath, but it seemed he had
exceeded his limit.” ‘but’ seems an improper addition.
Either and or no conjunction at all would suffice.
7. So for this paragraph, it is well set but I feel that it would catch the reader’s
eyes better if the death of the dogg is disclosed only in the end. Mentioning it
in the first line spoils the charisma of the wordplay later. “Gazing into the violet
prism, he saw a defeated image of himself in the diminutive pool of water that
sparkled for a moment and then died. As the shimmering heat emanated up
from the street’s surface only inches away, Bravo knew he could go no further.
It was in this precise location where he collapsed and sprawled out on the
walkway. Through moist eyes filled with sadness, he watched his friend
succeeding from a distance. Only three feet away stood a bone-dry, jet-black
fire hydrant, and I wanted nothing more than for that hydrant to turn on,
but it simply could not, so the little dog closed his eyes forever.”
8. “Billy looked back at his pal with a sad smile before noticing an abandoned
building had crumbled. Because of this building which stood no more” again,
seems an improper framing of the sentence. ‘before noticing that an abandoned
building had crumbled… would be better. And I don’t really follow what the next
line beginning from ‘because’ intended to convey.
9. “, he'd been drawn into make believe by an artist's loving hand. “
the sentence needs rephrasing because it is not properly conveying
what it ought to. Though the twist is amazing here.
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Indu is my official editor - May/8/22
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PG 15) The Human Condition by Ilene Meyer - http://www.ilenemeyer.com/
PG 15) Low cost airlines by Jacek Yerka - http://www.yerkaland.com/
PG 15) Fifties pin up by Francisco Rivera - http://tinyurl.com/nvte9j3
PG 16) Chapeau Mossant poster by Leonetto Cappiello - http://www.cappiello.fr/anglais/
PG 16) Times Square billboard from a bygone age - http://forgotten-ny.com/
PG 16) New York World's Fair - General Cigar Hall of Magic
PG 16) Death looking into the window of one dying by Jaroslav Panuška - http://tinyurl.com/nsnjtzk
PG 16) Violet glass prisms - http://tinyurl.com/qez8uq6
PG 17) The Selwyn Theater on 42nd St. NYC - http://www.frankjump.com/
PG 17) National Narcissist 2045 by Charles Wish - http://www.charleswish.com/
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