Charles Pendelton
       2008 Marty Langdon
Chapter 39

                    The horseless carriage

John looked at me like a disciple of academic knowledge,
as a car slowed down and began to pull into the driveway.
It seems he too, had been counting cards in the great void.

Armand now opening the front door, lets Spade loose to go wandering in old
man Barton's yard with hopes that he'll do his business and return. Armand
then proceeds to stumble into the house, as we follow the retriever across the
street. John says, "when he stops sniffing that's usually when makes." All at
once the dog stops sniffing and walks around in a circle. From there he gets
into this awkward squat and voila, he begins shitting. I look at John and say,
"check it out, he looks like he's sitting on a mini toilet bowl!" "It does," he
screams out loudly, and we fall into a fit of uncontained laughter!!!

The dog quickly looked over at us with a gesture of disapproval
before prancing into old man Barton's yard and disappearing.

Behind a group of shadowy trees, the dog simply vanished!

There was a loud sound, very similar to a golf club being swung through a pile of leaves
in a rapid motion. "I think he fell in a hole John! Oh my God!!!" "Don't fuck around." said
John, displaying signs of panic. "I'm serious, I think he went into a hole!" "Oh shit," he
said now running toward a black area. "Be careful," I said, but to my words he would pay
no heed. Sometimes, things that return from the darkness are no longer things we know.

"Spade," he yelled and the dog trotted most happily out of the old Southerner's
yard, content in his own right to be solely that of Gods own creation. The way that dog
looked at me at that very moment made my entire face crinkle! "You strange looking
magnanimous beast," I said to my four-legged friend, the same way I would have said it to
that prairie dog, had I been with Lewis and Clark on that wonderful expedition of 1804. 

From less than an ells length, he looked like he'd taken form
from a charcoal briquette! In the light however, he had a faint
glimmer of grey in him for the lab was in his golden years.

As our eyes locked, Spade began to display his emotions
in such
a gregarious manner, I feared he might stand
on his two hind
legs and give a speech!

I then bent over and slowly pet him.

He then winked at me as if to say, I gave him a good scare back there, didn't I?
I winked back at the old boy in recognition of the fact that we understood each
other completely, for we were now on the same wavelength!

"Ever get in that" I asked John, pertaining to the old relic Mr. Barton
had situated in the far corner of his yard. "No," he said "and don't
even think about it; that was Barton's father's." An authentic original,
never restored and never repaired top of the line horseless carriage.

                                A Duryea, circa 1894.

Needless to say, in its present condition was only worth about 27¢
to scrap. "I think I have to get in it." "Listen to me Charles, if he
hears you, he'll call the cops, and if the cops are called, my old man's
gonna kick the shit outta me. . . Then, I'm gonna have to kill you."

                                                                               Pg 256

"Trust me, when did I ever do anything - that has ever gotten us in trouble
with the law?" "All right, but be careful." "You're not coming?" "Pain in my
fucking ass" he muttered as we crept slowly across old man Barton's lawn.

The dog, wanting absolutely nothing to do
with this madness, abandoned us immediately.

The way he moved hastily toward the house rather than following
at our heels should have been an indication for me stop dead in my
tracks and follow him, who now had more sense than the both of us!

"He should take better care of his stuff," I replied, upon looking at all the
old buckets and barrels decorating the unsightly yard. Propped up against
the deteriorating carriage were rows upon rows of air supply plenums just
rusting away. Then John grabs my shoulder and says, "This is a fucking
disaster waiting to happen! It's a totally unwise, stupid thing to do. Just
look at how unstable it is!!!" John must have seen it as it actually was,
while I saw it as almost rideable. For whatever reason it was, I just kept
staring at it. "Hop in, if you're gonna do it, but please, do it carefully!

I then braced myself, swung in and swiftly sat down, but as I did this, the two
passenger side wheels shattered under my weight and the carriage immediately
flipped over. I landed on my head to the sound of what appeared to be tin
falling from the sky! To me, the sound it made was louder than a jet taking off!

John bolted from the yard taking no prisoners and wound up running faster than
his own two feet could carry him! One by one, the lights went on in every house
on the block, and it was almost as if I awoke the dead! My heart was now racing
with adrenaline, and I was so pumped up I almost couldn’t remove myself from
the contraption! Wriggling my arms and shoulders, I managed to break free! 

I could hear old man Barton screaming and running toward me half
naked. I just couldn’t understand him for he sounded like a scratchy
throat mongoloid. I jumped to my feet with eyes well adjusted to the
darkness and made it out of there in seconds flat! I don't even think
he saw me. Surprisingly, I felt strangely elated by the whole thing!

Running into John's backyard, I quickly closed the door behind me.
"Get in here," he shouted in a loud whisper! I scurried up the wooden
stairs and went in through the back door. John's shirt was torn up and
his chest, bleeding. "I should punch the living shit out of you right
now," he said with a blood red face. “What the hell happened to you,”
I asked, perplexed? "When that thing fell, I booked! Musta' got caught
on a root or something at the edge of the yard, and I flew across the
street on my stomach. Burns like a bitch. . . Thanks a lot, dick!"  

Armand was now outside talking to a group of angry neighbors, while
John's mom, Barbara, was coming down the staircase. As she entered the
kitchen, she says to us, what's going on out there? She then sees John's
shirt. "What in God's name happened to you?" It's a long story. "Listen
to me and listen good," she said calmly. "I was just awoken out of a very
sound sleep. It sounded like a fuck-ing bomb went off, so just tell me the
truth, what the hell is going on?" No sooner does she get the words off
her tongue does Armand enter in through the front door. They're gonna
lynch somebody tonight, he said in a worried tone as he wandered into
the living room, dazed and disoriented. “Mark Reissens got a pitchfork!”

                                                                               Pg 257

I was now the town pariah, hiding out like a fugitive. According to
Armand's statement, somebody said they "saw a figure run into the
backyard.” As he rifled through the closet by the front door, he could
find nothing to go into the backyard with. “Can you believe this?”
Shouted Armand in his frustration! "Oh I can believe almost anything
tonight," shouted Barbara while waving her hands and pointing toward
the backyard! This action alerted John’s dad to the fact that a group of
young hoodlums were now assembled and brooding in the backyard!

As Armand shuffled about in a state of duress, the whiskey it
appeared had gotten to him! Hurriedly, he scrambles in panic,
furiously to find something to protect himself and his family
with. Grabbing the first thing he could find he runs hastily in!

Between the expression on his face, and the weapon, he was going to use
to defend himself against a possibly armed killer was perhaps the funniest
thing I ever seen in my life, and could in no way compose myself! Barbara
then looked over at Armand the same way Alice would have looked at Ralph
when she said to him, "what were you gonna do with that, dent his pride?"

"Maybe you should have walked in with a Polish joke!"

That was all it took! I immediately started to cough and laugh at the same
time and could not stop! It was just an automatic reflex action!!! What the
hell is wrong with you? Why didn't you just say they were here? Are you
crazy? "Armand, why don't you relax yourself!?" She then started to laugh!

"You could have at least taken the mace from the wall,
instead of running in here like Pee-wee Herman!!!"

He stood there with a dumb look on his face, ready to explode!

"And, you wanna know the best part about this whole thing?
I still don't know - what the fuck is going on around here!"

All of a sudden, it must have lit up in Armand's mind that
his very own son, and friend, had just vandalized the house
next door, and destroyed a piece of history in the process!!!

With that Armand drops the red hairbrush and slaps John with all his might across
the side of his head. "What the fuck da," John protested? "You want another one?"
Shouted Armand enraged! "Charles did it." "Give me a break," said Barbara, "you
look like you've been fighting off wild boars!" "Tell them man, before I start breakin'
things!" I thought about what I was going to say, and just when I was ready to
explain, four police cars pull up outside with those blue and red lights turning.
I was saved, even though I was probably going to say that John did it anyway!!!

"You know what," said Armand, "I don't wanna know who did it." "You're
both fucked up, and tomorrow, we're all gonna have a nice long talk about
this. So keep quiet, stay put and don't even think of going near that window!"

"Happy now," said Barbara to me and John. "Are you happy? You two fucks!"
As she ascended the stairs leading back up to her room, her final words were,
and I quote, "Why don't you two go out in the middle of the street and pretend
you have guns? I'll get my camera. . ." (((SLAM))


                                                                               Pg 258


Reviews for chapter 39

Freida Galst- FUNNY-OMG this is soooooooo funny!

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PG 256) Duryea Runabout with Charles Duryea - (circa 1894)

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